This dilemma has been central for me recently.

Although there may be a realm where ‘we are all one’ and there is no duality, just a big Ommmming Oneness everywhere, when we incarnate as a human on Earth we enter a realm of duality, two-ness. As this Earth plane is the realm of EXPERIENCE, we come into separate human bodies and there’s Me and You, there’s hot and cold (which define each other) and ON and OFF and this duality allows us to have experiences. There needs to be at least two things to have an experience, the experiencer (Me) and the pizza I’m enjoying, or Me and Music, or Me and You. It’s this separation from a uniform Oneness into individuality that makes living and experiencing all the wonderful and terrible things a human life has to offer possible. But although we fully invest and identify with this human that we are living through, this guy called Jamie who lives here with his wants and loves and hopes and fears, and all his thinking and thinking, we also retain the part of us that is still in the Oneness realm and that part of us isn’t tied up in the drama of the individual human Jamie. That part is watching the human Jamie ego, but not sucked into all the dramas and pros and cons and daily triggers. That part is the witnessing presence that lives in us too, alongside the busy human part.

So there’s another form of duality that each of us lives with. We are both the human ego having a dramatic time AND a watching, observing presence which simultaneously travels along, hopefully loving not judging, spacious, unaddicted – and when we listen deeply from that place, much better wisdom and creativity and intimacy and unmanipulative choices are available to us. This isn’t a blog about how we usually crowd out that observing loving presence with all our loud, controlling thinking and busyness. That’s a given.

My dilemma is about living bravely, yet safely with both those aspects of us.

My ego craves safety. Due to the wounding and traumas of my life so far I’ve learnt that it is my responsibility to provide as safe and nourishing environment for myself, the human, to thrive in. And this includes not putting myself in situations where I’m constantly in a state of trigger and alarm. I can ‘work on’ my wounds and triggers and aspire to be less reactive and more trusting in Life, but we all carry one or more wounded ‘inner-children’ in us and to live a thriving, juicy, empowered life, those reactive characters that live in us need some looking after. As I often say, we are each of us a wise guru in charge of a mental patient. In a changeable world, setting boundaries which are right for us is part of a self-loving lifestyle.

At the same time, the part of us that is just the observing presence, which some people feel is closer to their ‘Soul’ or ‘Higher Self’, is not interested in safety, and, if anything, is always pushing up against the next limitation, the next edge of our comfort zone and tends to disregard the human Jamie’s attempts to set up a safe life. The Soul seems interested in learning, and in dissolving the boundaries that the little ego is setting up so that it can experience what’s on the other side of the boundary and feel itself fully. It’s on a mission for wholeness and that can’t include pushing anything away. This is a fascinating, healing and illuminating journey, though not for the faint hearted (as if we have a choice!).

And there’s my dilemma; how does one responsibly set up a life where the wounds are cared for, the environment is conducive for the human to thrive and not live in perpetual trigger-zones while at the same time not constantly pushing away the brave Soul’s journey to expand our limited, conditioned notions of safety, which Life is going to inevitably keep bring to us, ignoring our comfort zones and boundaries?

I, the human, want to feel safe in the World because I exist in a limited plane with life and death and I need to be true to my nature.

I, the Soul, want to dissolve all boundaries indiscriminately because I live in a limitless plane and need to be true to my nature.

I, the human, don’t want to hide from my edges but need clear boundaries in this changeable World so that I can navigate this great adventure to its fullest potential.

I, the Soul, am not interested in the human’s idea of what those boundaries are. I claim to see a bigger picture. Trust me.

How do we both honour the human’s needs and priorities while also honouring the Soul’s?

A ship is safe in harbour, but that’s not what ships are for. – Grace Hopper (Rear Admiral, USN)


I was looking at my penis today, applying some oil and care, and it struck me very sadly how much I have enslaved my cock and my sexuality in my life. I have treated it as if its job was to deliver me certain things, things which are beyond its intended offering and function.
Using my cock to please women and ‘be a great lover’ and deliver lots of pleasure and satisfaction so I can feel sexually powerful or even just adequate, is a form of enslavement of the cock, and I’ve been feeling some sadness around that today, some regret. The pressure to ‘deliver’.
Of course, all the beautiful connected sex is not in the same realm, but the times I’ve used sex, either with a woman or by myself, to fill a gap, avoid space or edgy feelings, avoid loneliness, make me feel powerful, make me feel lovable or special, to prop me up…..that was not what my glorious cock was born for. I want to apologise to my penis and all cocks of the World for the unconscious ways we have sent them on ‘missions’ they were never trained for.
It’s not the cock’s job to get it’s man a sense of well-being, sexual prowess, pride, safety from rejection, safety from humiliation, self-worth, inclusion or any of the other things I’ve leant on it for over the course of my life.
Let’s stop enslaving the cock, or the vagina.
I’m treating my cock with much more care now. I’m no longer using it as a tool of my unconsciousness, of a tool of my avoidance and escape of emotional and ancestral wounding, as a tool of compensation for the spaces and edges in my masculinity.
So a new journey of deeply respecting my cock in a much more aware and focused way begins.
Will you join me? Men and women? To no longer enslave our penises and vaginas to ‘get our needs met’, to escape, to fill gaps, to prop us up or ‘get’ us anything? Can we love each other’s sexual parts with that respect and care too?
To keep the love and sex as a celebration of this moment only, this intimacy, here and now…..let’s not blame culture, let’s build our new culture as of now, no longer unconsciously prostituting our sexuality to fulfil roles and needs it wasn’t meant for.

If we don’t care for our fragile sexuality in this way, how can we ever be trusted with our boundaries? Won’t they always be at the mercy of the next ‘need’ that has to be fulfilled? Safety in relationships, both with others, and with ourselves comes from trust. We will be able to manifest that kind of conscious environment within which we can thrive by dissolving the parts of our sexuality that we’ve enslaved.
Please share your experiences in this…


Milk The Drama

In my life, pretty much ALL my concerns and hopes and expectations of how someone else might behave, have got me in a pickle – being sure I know ‘what others need to let go of’ is usually a self-destructive minefield of powerlessness and disappointment – I do better to meet that wrenching exasperation in the body and dissolve it where it really is lodged.

Whoever else is involved in the most recent drama of reactivity and upset – the events and characters that triggered all these reactions in us are most likely never going to fall in line and be helpful, only our own inner presence and attention to how we feel in it. The reactivity that erupts is feelable – and with total willingness it can dissolve, if we take space from ‘what just happened’ for a bit, park the events and who did what for a second, and turn our attention and fascination towards what’s erupting or contracting in our body. This is a Taoist model where they deliberately, daily, dissolve all edgy, blocked, tight, or numb feelings by feeling it to it’s fullest willingly, fascinatedly, and when we apply it to big ‘let-go’s’ we can reclaim all the energy that’s knotted up and transform it into illumination and self care.

It’s the difference between allowing Life’s unexpected challenges and difficult people to collapse us and send us into disempowerment OR use what’s going on to access and dissolve deep buried traumatised reactivity that lives in us and then harvest it’s treasure. Empowered.

We can’t often control what happens but we can, at least, with practice, control that choice at the crossroads. This is where we can participate in our own liberation.

It’s hardcore self-activism.

Being ‘right’ is the biggest trap to distract us from this.


So Selfish

It seems like all my coaching sessions, mentoring and workshops’ insights keep leading towards a single concept: SELF CARE.
Am I staying in a situation that doesn’t serve me? Self Care. Am I not being met in my relationship? Self Care. Am I giving myself the chance to live the dream doing what inspires and fulfils me? Self Care. Do I beat myself up with my expectations of how far I should have come by now? Self Care. Am I lonely? Self Care. Am I running to addictions and escapes to not feel my uncomfortable feelings? Self Care. Am I relying on external events and people to feel good inside? Self Care.

We’ve confused Self Care with Selfishness and abandoned ourselves and our needs. Time to end the suffering sacrifice people! You doing what feels good, is good for everyone. Your Truth is your Compass. Just try it for a bit.

Life is Infinite but a Human Life is 75/80 years – and you’re probably about half way through or more. Don’t wait.


One key purpose of the Facebook groups I’ve set up (‘Bad Parents of The World, Unite!’, ‘Sanctuary For Terror’, ‘Being With My Rage’) is to de-stigmatise the shame of the raw, edgy, culturally-pushed-away sides of our lives and experiences. The ‘shame’ or ‘resistance’ people feel to share their most vulnerable experiences is one of the great diseases of our culture. We’ve all supported the wrong idea that it’s not ok to be simply yourself having the challenging experiences you’re having and be seen in it. This hiding, this ‘I couldn’t let anyone know the truth’ belief is a core reason our culture is so screwed up, fake, and shame-ridden. It’s the opposite of the intimate life we all really want. It’s collective loneliness and the hiding and shame has the ripple effect of less and less people feeling safe, feeling met, feeling part of the human race, deserving of love and support.

When we speak freely about the parts of ourselves that usually get skipped or hidden, we become walking permission slips for everyone else to come out of their painful, lonely hiding and join in. The stigma and this unhealthy, un-self-loving practice of hiding and faking begins to dissolve. But only by EXAMPLE.

My groups are there to offer a ‘no big deal’ attitude to the fear and drama of ‘if anyone knew the truth about me then…..’. There are many other closed groups available for those who want that perceived safety – but my ones are exploring something which is, to me, more to the core of what’s needed for all of us and I support and welcome and am grateful to all those who join me on this visible journey, bravely being the first to be seen in all their mess, so that others can have more comfort with theirs. In the 70s it was a taboo to get divorced and sharing experiences of unhappy marriages was a taboo too – it would only have happened in closed groups. Now, these days it’s no longer a taboo and people are getting the support they need. But it took brave people earlier on, to be seen, that gave everyone else the comfort. Let’s be braver and participate in the un-stigmatising of our basic truths and needs.

Please be a walking permission slip with me – lots of people need the example of your permission to dare to be free themselves and receive the support they need.


There’s a notion that there’s a perfection to how Life plays out for each of us, that there’s some perfectly crafted Soul’s curriculum being benevolently offered to Us alongside the simultaneous pain and suffering that the human creature in us experiences. Although that model does include it all being ‘perfect’ from one perspective, to use that idea of ‘it’s all perfect’ to avoid fully feeling the human discomfort, as an anaesthetic to the very raw and vividly felt waves we feel as humans when something hurts or disappoints us, to ‘run upstairs’ proclaiming “it’s all perfect, it was meant to be…tra la la…” is inefficient.

A powerful challenge is to fully feel the human going ouch while AT THE SAME TIME fully experience the Witness in us that’s not sucked into the drama but just watching, going “ah…interesting…” and scribbling an important note in it’s file.

I’m here to FEEL with all my emotions and nerve endings and waves and tremors and bliss-outs and melt-downs. So when it gets shaky I can be the first to meet myself and go “stay with it brother, keep breathing”…


Don’t Fall In Love With A Warrior

As his love will cast such blazing illumination upon you

That the darkest edges of your resistance will be etched too vividly for you to ever ignore again.

You will be faced with yourself in his reflection, and fixed with his gaze.

His care will trigger weeping for all the unloved places that had ’til now been left unheld

And you will be faced with your grief and your rage

And there will be a melting.

But though he’ll never save you from you pain

He will sit beside you, matching your breath

Supporting you invisibly until dawn rises again

Until your ribs ache with the opening

Revealing new spaces for your heart to reinhabit.

He will call you back to yourself from the caves where you’ve hid

Hid your power from the world, and from your self,

He’ll plant a question in your soul

And demand an answer.

Are you ready to love yourself so deeply and be matched in that love?

He’ll burn all your maps of the past

Dissolving the paths that led us here

To fix upon the only moment where love resides

Will you surrender to his fingertips?

Even when you fear the echoes of your past urging you to escape?

For he’ll touch your cheek so lightly that your memories of violence will rise so they may fade.

Can you feel safe and powerful without being needed?

As he is complete unto himself and knows how to hold himself on his own lonely nights.

Can you be held without being grasped?

Can you be led without domination?

Can you be an equal?

When he points to the horizon can you see what he imagines just beyond sight?

Will you join him on a journey

Deep into your raw and aching hearts

To discover treasure and Union and surrender?

He will penetrate you to you core

Eyes locked

Nodding so slowly as he

Sees you

Held firm.

For he’s discovered your hiding places

And remains undaunted Patient.

He’s seen your crown that you pretended was a veil

He’s seen the wounds around your neck transforming into jewels

And will never let them take you again

To that fire.

He waits at the base of the tower

Open handed

Ready to ride.



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