Archive for December, 2013

As it’s Xmas I’ve been considering who are the most unforgivable people on Earth. We seem to have culturally all agreed that sex offenders, rapists and especially child-abusers are totally unforgivable and deserving of zero compassion, just condemnation.

Jesus reached out to the lepers. This was the metaphor. I feel we are all trapped as a culture while we keep those groups locked in the eternal dungeon so I want to, inch by inch, gently consider how those abusers became like that. Hence I write the posts of recent days. I know it stirs people up and had anything ever happened to one of my own kids I would also probably find it impossible to react in any other way.

But I’m exploring this for a sincere reason. We are trapped in the dark ages while we can’t as a culture open this unforgivable, taboo conversation. Those who are so stirred up that they need to condemn me publicly or call me mean, shaming names, while I understand that you’re too triggered to do anything else, for my own self-care, I choose to erase you from the threads.

I believe that people who’ve been abused will fall into two camps – those who afterwards were lucky enough to be exposed to ideas, people, luck/destiny that gave them the chance to make healthier, non-abusive choices and there are those who just got more violence and rape and abuse and punishment and shame and outcaste-ness and alienation, who became too damaged in the complexity of their experiences to make a healthy choice and often became ‘abusers’ – those people are mentally ill in my opinion and need high security hospitals not self-righteous people telling them “I made the right choice after MY abuse, therefore you should have too and I’m therefore superior/better than you”. That’s my truth. Everyone is innocent from that perspective.

Letting this in is is REALLY what Xmas is about. We are all uniquely wounded – most of us got lucky that our violence never expressed it’s way too destructively for ourselves or others. That doesn’t make us superior, only lucky to have been exposed to different love and ideas.

Take the baby day by day ’til it becomes the abuser, orchestrating the abuse, slowly watch it’s life literally day by day, all the complex things that happened to it, 4 years old abused…6 years old abused…9 years old now very twisted and lost….13 years old with no exposure to anything but hatred and ignorance…16 years old getting into real violence…. ’til it becomes a full-on abuser, and choose which day you stop your compassion, if you want to be free, try this exercise.


Who’s on YOUR unforgivable list this year?



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“Ladies and Gentlemen this is the first TV and Online COUNTRYWIDE VOTE – this issue of 4359B of….Whether we as a country wish to ever Manufacture or be part of any business of making or selling guns, bombs or bullets to other warring nations or nutter dictators or regimes…..will be collectively voted on Online and through TV Home Systems in 40 days (and forty nights).

The old system of a few people deciding such matters was created long ago before we had the technology to educate ourselves and securely cast out vote in our millions. We are building the New with now most basic modern technology to replace the old system of a few questionable strangers.

Please discuss, debate, educate YOURSELVES, passionately express your feelings about this  issue with each other and then please each cast your single vote Online on our Secure Server at the end of that period. There will be a countdown on that PeoplePower webpage until that moment when we will collectively choose and manifest exactly what we want as a Nation.

Next Month: …Legalise Marijuanna and Cannabis products that are helping cancer victims and stop sabotaging that at least….

Thank you for building the new.”

Come and Build the new by being a walking permission slip for everyone to lighten up and risk a deeper connection with each other. www.jamiecatto.com

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Merry Xmas?

Something I feel needs discussion is how we, at Xmas time, build the kids up with a frenzy of expectation; the presents, the things Santa will bring, the orgy of receiving and getting, all so that the adults can get a kick out of seeing the kids so excited, so we can milk their excitement (really for ourselves NOT them) and then, when the big day comes and the inevitable disappointment kicks in (because what experience could ever match that build up?), the kids, one way or another, melt down, behave ‘badly’ or spoilt or disappointed on Xmas day, and then, I feel abusively, having created this sensory ‘sugar-crash’ of materialism, we SHAME the kids for their behaviour and ingratitude! It’s a double abuse we perpetrate on them – first a fake building up of hope for something which is never delivered, and then an unjust shaming when they don’t behave how we want them to in their confused come-down. All for US, not for them. We kid ourselves it’s for them but on closer examination I feel that’s nonsense.

Kids want our attention more than any present or toy. Focused attention IS love, undistracted by i-phones, emails or TV. That’s all they hunger for and is what will give them a Christmas to remember forever.



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It’s been a wonderful, raw, challenging few days here at home. More illuminations about how we, in our relationship, often have complimentary wounds which can serve as platforms for growth and healing once we get skilled at noticing their potential and not getting perpetually sucked into mutual resistance, fighting and pain loops.

This week the old wounds of Raisa feeling that ‘the man’ is not meeting her fully, not there for her, not available, triggered much pain and complaint, a deep sense of mistrust which was expressed verbally and in a strong energetic resistance like a wall between us. Ironically, or maybe perfectly, when she expressed this, it triggered my own deep wounds of feeling unappreciated, feeling like I’m not being loved for who I simply am, that somehow I’m not delivering what’s needed by just being me and that I am ‘a failure’, ‘redundant’ or even ‘a bad boy’.

This hurt so much that instead of seeing through her words and defence strategies into her pain, I instead, as usual, started defending my position, persuading her that this was not true, that our relationship was not as fundamentally flawed as she was saying, and that I AM available and loving and I even complained and expressed upset that ‘I’m not being seen for who I am’ or ‘appreciated for the gifts and love I bring’. I argued that I AM available and that it was her who was ‘leaving’.

This is an age old loop. My reaction to her makes her feel even LESS felt and seen, and more lonely than she was before, so we endlessly talk and process and separate even more into alienation and loneliness. This is how the mirror can create a vicious circle of pain. Does this sound familiar?

I’m excited to report that this week we’ve gone beyond this exhausting pattern – just a few times, but it feels revolutionary.

The challenge for me is to not believe the literal content of what she says. To not defend it or make her words ‘about me’. Even though they impact me greatly because I have such deep wounds around being rejected or criticised by ‘the woman’ (my Mother?) for ‘not being enough’ or ‘not what’s wanted here’, I have to let those waves pass through me, feel them, and then look deeper, see behind her complaint into her pain. I need to stop believing her words and realise that what she’s saying, even though it feels ‘true’ to her in that moment, is really her mind’s strategy to not feel her deeper trauma and vulnerability of desperately wanting to be held in that moment as her old wound discharges some pain. Something raw is moving in her, and she needs me to hold her, love her, above all, simply be present with her, despite all her ‘pushing away’.

This takes a lot of presence, breath, and steadfastness.

The last thing I want to do in that moment when I am feeling so unfairly treated, so painfully rejected, is to love her, hold her or comfort her. But this is what is asked of me, as a man, on a deeper level. To breathe through the self-pity and the urge to escape and to go to her, dissolve through her illusory wall, and wrap my arms around her, communicating with touch, with my whole body, that love is here. Presence is here. I am here.

By some miracle, this week, we have managed to do this a few times and the response has been beautiful. She has melted into tears, into soft, yielding sobs of accepting love. We are re-writing our deep beliefs every time we dissolve through the surface ‘version’ of complaint and pain and connect deeper to what she is really asking for, which is to be met and held in this moment.

Yesterday we repeated this cycle of penetrating through the rejection and lonely resistance three times before lunch and we were both high with the realisations and potential to shift this pattern now in our relationship. Every time we broke through, an immense amount of sexual energy was released. We have been melting into so much lovemaking, creativity, gentle holding, a profound level of peace has returned as we’ve realised – the very thing that was dividing us and hurting us is the door to our mutual healing and re-writing of our old beliefs and patterns.

The wound is the key if we can only be skilful and present enough to dissolve through the surface story that arises to hide our deeper vulnerability and pain. In this way I get to dissolve my old wounded beliefs around ‘not being enough’ and she gets to dissolve her wounds of ‘the man isn’t available’. The reward is that we both get the intimacy and presence we need. The conflict we were experiencing was actually a signpost to healing.

The battle is the map to peace when we dare to read it the right way.

Please share your experiences with this below.

All workshops including What About Us? at http://jamiecatto.com/workshops/

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