Headfuck FM

The brain is an amazing problem-solving machine and it can be directed to just about any problem or challenge you can think of. Sadly, when we were kids, we experienced some excruciating rejection and even violence in situations where we felt weak, or stupid, or vulnerable, or unwelcome for being naturally who we were. It was so painful that we made it our one ruling priority to never again feel those feelings. At that moment we programmed and instructed our amazing problem solving mind to stay constantly alert to anything that might result in us feeling those painful things and to keep us the hell away from them. Our attention and strategising, problem-solving potential was then all directed to never feeling or appearing vulnerable, never looking stupid, never looking ugly, never being rejected or exiled, never risking…and whatever other items on the list of ‘must’ and ‘mustn’t’ we created from all these confusing and wounding childhood moments.

The constant stream of thinking which we take for granted every day is how our problem-solving mind does the job (that we instructed it to do) to keep us safe from those scary and painful things. The mind-machine uses thoughts which are so sophisticated that they make us think they are our values and our truths, SO convincing, like an amazing ventriloquist dummy or impersonation of ourselves – we really think, when we are worrying away or imagining someone’s intentions towards us, that these beliefs are our truth when really they are just a list of ways the mind-machine is throwing up to protect us. It also uses feelings and body chemistry urges and ideas of battling, controlling, manipulating, escaping, numbing, denying, condemning, fearing, worrying….so compelling and so constant that most humans live as if that loud radio station which is always ON, Headfuck FM, is who they are.

It only takes 2 minutes of sitting quietly and observing the conveyer belt of thoughts that arise all by themselves from this mind-machine to realise that who we are is not that constant stream of protections and fantasies that compel us, who we are is the one who is Watching, Witnessing, Observing those thoughts. When you realise that for the first time, that you’ve been living as if your stream of thoughts was true and You when really it was just a problem solving machine you programmed to make sure you never again felt pain, it’s quite a moment. I’d even say it’s the difference between living as a robot, constantly yanked left and right by the next danger or opportunity, or living as a free being, who sees and feels all those urges and thinking-protections, but doesn’t base truth and reality on them and always let’s the Witness or Observer that can see the mind’s antics, make the actual choices and decisions (and especially write the emails!)

How much of your day do you spend absorbed by the stream of thinking and forget that it’s not You? Try watching the thoughts for 3 minutes and see if you can not get sucked in. As Gabrielle Roth says: “Freedom is simple but not easy.’



The idea of ‘growing’ as a person and ‘improving’ oneself springs from the presumption that some states are better than others and that our messy, reactive days are less ‘improved’ than our equanimity ones – as if we can cherry pick preferred states – but the truth is, the one in us that even concerns itself with growth or improvement isn’t who we really are. Who we really are is Loving Awareness – and this Loving Awareness that we really are (that sits in the space behind all our busy thinking and planning and strategising) doesn’t deal in terms of growth or anything other than the acceptance and full presence of this moment, whatever it holds. The ‘real’ or more essential Me and You would never even conceive of growth. Only the fragile, worried, self protecting ego does that, because it’s been brainwashed to achieve and ‘get to the next level’ in it’s constant quest to be loved and not rejected, exiled or lonely. But ever ‘getting to the next level’ is really an affirmation of LACK – a belief in ‘we’re not there yet’ when really we are – because being ‘there’ is really ‘being right here’.

We are already right here – so drop the ideas of future improvement because every moment you concern yourself with that, you’re not in the present moment (the only authentic reality we can experience) but in some future abstraction in our ambitious mind. Loving this Now is the only authentic state. Everything else is a deluded ego-trip to satisfy a not-enoughness.

Have we been so thoroughly trained in achievement and ambition that we can’t be fully accepting of how we are now with no need to change?

To improve yourself is only an ego concern because the real Self can never be improved. So if it entertains you to participate in ‘growing’ practices and it’s the most fun available for you then great. If it’s interesting to try and get your ego to act more like a Soul then go for it, but if it’s something you feel you need to do, something you couldn’t be comfortable without, then I’d question where that urge is really coming from.

It looks like it’s rooted in Lack to me, and wherever we move from, wherever we act and choose from, that frequency begets and attracts more of the same. Lack begets lack…..and on and on it goes….and we empower an inner slave-driver to push us along and measure how far we’ve come and how well we’re doing….all total nonsense.

There’s a much juicier offering, and that is to let go of the ego’s improvement concerns for a bit and just sink back into the Loving Awareness that we can call ’Soul’ where there’s nothing to achieve, nowhere to go – just….this…..Now. When we do that for just three minutes, and watch what our crazy mind thinks about all by itself, we are amazed that we acted for years as if that constant stream of ambitious and strategic thinking was ‘Us’. When really it’s no more than a badly programmed protection machine that we charged with the job of making us lovable, making us never be seen to fail, or look stupid, or look vulnerable or anything that might get us rejected or exiled. That constant stream of self-protection and self-elevation is not who we are, the that loud radio station in our heads, Headfuck FM, has been on so long, and so loud, that we’ve become accustomed to treating as Reality. Just three minutes observing the thoughts proves to us without doubt that those thoughts are not who we are. Becasue if we can observe the thought come and go, even just once, then we realise we are the Witness, not the thought.

If we drop the whole growing thing then we have a chance to practice true Self Love and peace and the end of having expectations and judgements about others.

All that’s left is the space to truly experience this moment together, just as we are, complete, with our easy and hard days – all included and honoured equally.


Follow these simple steps for when you’re feeling lonely or depressed or fearful or anxious or angry….or…

1) Stop whatever else you’re doing and go very still and inner – like you’re listening for something inside yourself somewhere…what’s that?

2) Meanwhile, remove the label of ‘lonely’ or ’sad’ or ‘blue’ (or whatever you thought you were feeling like) and imagine you’re having a new feeling no one’s ever had before and you’re curious about it. A new and unique sensation. You don’t even know if it’s positive or negative feeling, it’s just…this curious feeling… fascinating. Even wonder what colour it might be, and what flavour it is…

3) Then feel it as if it’s neutral, ‘label-less’, just interesting for a minute (or longer if you get into it, it can be a portal to all kinds of releases and forgivenesses).

4) Then when you’re ready, consider calling the feeling LOVE and imagine that it’s maybe one of the 1000 names of the Goddess. LOVE has many flavours, some of them edgy or tender. They don’t all always feel comfy, some are truly intense, even overwhelming. Experiment with feeling it as LOVE for a bit.

5) Now start feeling ecstatic that you are such an evolved ninja alchemist and you are really fucking growing – that you would even do this is such grace – and exclaim THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING and put on some of your favourite loud music and dance it!


Whenever you are agonising about what you should have done or what might happen, remember that those thoughts are merely your well-meaning (yet misguided) mind trying to save you from the feeling of a passing mood cloud. When a mood cloud is passing through and it feels edgy or a bit uncomfortable, the mind thinks that if it can find a matching storyline to solve then it can make the edgy feeling go away. This is all because we instructed our Mind long ago to make sure we never felt anything uncomfortable or edgy. The great turn around happens when you become a human who is willing, even fascinated, to feel their edgy feelings. When that happens you can just say “oooh a mood cloud…oof that’s a big one” and feel it fully without asking ‘why?’. Asking ‘why’ comes from the belief that if I’m feeling edgy or fearful then something’s wrong. But nothing is wrong! There are just passing cloud moods, on and off for everyone.

Always feeling happy and never feeling passing clouds is a fantasy. We expect clouds. We don’t try to solve them or look at them as indications that something’s wrong or that something needs fixing or getting rid of. We turn towards them with appreciation and friendliness as they pass, without getting sucked into a mental drama about something (usually irrelevant) to solve.

The less willing we are to feel and savour the bruised purple pf the cloud, the more we will be endlessly headfucking as an unconscious way to not feel the cloud.

Feeling the cloud IS self-love. Turn towards it. Welcome it and appreciate its colours and textures as it passes and the next ray of sunshine won’t be far behind.

(and then another cloud)


What I’m noticing right now is that, to me, a lot of this ‘path teaching’ business is trying to hook in those who want to get ‘enlightened’ as quickly as possible, no different from the accomplishment-driven brainwashing of the ego’s early conditioning. I actually saw an advert today for an ‘Accelerate Your Spiritual Growth’ workshop. SO paradoxical!

The part of us that IS enlightened doesn’t care a jot for getting anywhere quickly, accomplishing something huge, getting to any imagined finish-lines. It’s just…right…here….now…..in one single fully conscious breath, here we are…whenever you want it. I find it dodgy to use the slave-driven ego as a way to hook in customers because the whole notion of selling that paradigm is actually taking folks in the opposite direction. Recently I’ve been wondering about all the games and techniques I teach on my workshops and I want to be really careful to facilitate the natural, friendly part of us that is just…Presence…not busy….just loving and peaceful….not recounting the suffering stories and events….or needing to achieve something special, like enlightenment….just the gentle, friendly part that is right here…..let’s take one breath together now….and here we are….simple…

….to me enlightenment is loving ourselves without the expectations, or self-disappointments of ‘somewhere to get to’…just the permission to be totally relaxed in the here and now with no to-do lists invading the moment…even if what’s around in the present moment is edgy or unexpected or challenging, still a continuous base level of undistracted friendliness and surrender to whatever’s going on, including the urge to help what’s going on if that’s an option, including it all….

….so that Presence which I can feel behind all the busyness of my self-cherishing life, that quiet place where my name and my individual experiences, and all I’ve learned, and all that I think and strategise and control, are meaning-less, just no big deal, they are affectionately loved but not made a big deal of any more than the whining or tantrums of a toddler….(it’s expected to do that sometimes and we allow it patiently without feeding it……) ….that gentle Presence behind my name which gives a loving context to all the touchy drama IS the real gift that I feel we’re here to deliver…and I feel careful that I now want to make sure my games and processes aren’t just teaching finish-line driven egos to behave more like Souls.

Now, games and new habits can create a lifestyle where there’s so much Presence and patience and tender humour that the old distractions and sucker-punches of triggery, reactive, adrenaline-driven parts of the day are no longer battled but just accepted without drama, even big waves, felt hugely, but still just passing through, not held and examined and ‘kept so close’…..and when they’re allowed to come and go without a big to-do, our natural, upwelling fountain of inspiration and generosity and genius just gushes out of us effortlessly…innately…

…so I want us to more, when we gather in our groups, to feel together that Presence that affectionately observes our busy ego running around and has zero expectation of need for it to be any different. It’s expected to be volatile, like the sea being some days calm and some days choppy or even stormy at times….it’s the sea, we never expect it to be other than it is….so when big waves come in our lives, we don’t jump into an attitude of shock and ‘oh no! something’s wrong!’…No….we just say ‘ooh that was a big one’, and even ‘ouch that was strong…wait a sec…’ and just let it rise and fall in us without resistance.

It’s the resistance of the ‘controlling bodyguard’ in us that wants us to never have to endure any discomfort that blocks tough waves coming through and actually makes them more painful and last longer…with analysis, and control, and complaint, and rejection of the feeling….once again….go soft, Be the Presence that just watches it patiently as it rises and falls….(and fully feels compassion for the ouch of it if it’s a painful one)….

Let’s let go of the idea of any accelerated Path to Enlightenment – let’s just really be willing to feel, without fuss, the big and small waves of this moment, fully, savouring all of it with fascination, no agenda to get rid of anything or escape anything….or get somewhere else other than here….

….where are you going on your path? we’re already right here…just being in Presence where we don’t need our names or ‘what we do’ or ‘what we’ve achieved’….and there we notice there’s no clear edge where you end and I begin…


Some people believe that a major function of a human life and this whole 3D ‘reality’ we inhabit is like a theme park of experience offering us a kind of soul-curriculum. In this model, every person we meet and everything that ‘happens to us’ arises from a sophisticated and beautifully crafted design to mirror us, illuminate us, and, when framed correctly, invite us back to wholeness and healing. It can be very powerful to see our lives this way, as a benevolent series of messages and sign-posts sent to train and evolve us.

Some take this concept even further and believe that before we incarnate as humans, maybe when we are in heaven’s waiting room about to come down to the EarthWorld theme park, we choose certain things that we want to work on in this lifetime or challenges we want to face or experiences we want to immerse ourselves in during the game. Some of these ‘set-ups’ are very intense and so, for those ones in particular, we choose our best friends up in the spirit world to come and play the most difficult roles such as those of our enemies or the abusive or challenging people in our lives.

While we’re setting up these scenarios we might ask one of our closest pals to play the role of our alcoholic mother or violent father or nightmare ex-spouse, and here on Earth they do it SO so convincingly that when we die and return back to heaven’s depressurisation chamber, this ‘best mate’ who’s been ‘playing’ our enemy peels off their rubber mask with a gleeful facial expression and says ‘Hey it was me all along! Remember?’ and we put our hands on our heads and go ‘Oh my fucking God!! That was the most unbelievable performance! It was method! It was was Lawrence fucking Olivier!!’ and we all marvel and fall about laughing.

So somebody who is in your life, someone you might describe as a Hannibal Lecter – from this other point of view is not Hannibal Lecter at all but Anthony Hopkins. From this standpoint you can marvel at their performance, their unswerving attention to detail and total convincingness.

If you’d like some homework, choose someone who until now you always considered an enemy or a huge challenge, and look at them through this lens. Then grab a pen and write them the most glowing, appreciative, theatre review of their stunning performance, maybe even including some of the most difficult episodes you’ve had with them as ‘stand-out scenes’.

Who, in your life, is carrying off an Oscar Winning villain’s performance?


I want you to let go of worldy concerns for a little

that’s what i mean by feminise

no doing

or thinking

or planning

or strategising

or solving

that to me is all masculine essence


i want space for you

listening without answering


dissolving the busy You and all her/his concepts and concerns

drop it

for a week

and be someone who’s not interested in the whole story, where its going, how it all fits together

and watch the movie

instead of trying to write and direct it

that’s the clearest way I can say it to you

music is the space between the notes