In my life, pretty much ALL my concerns and hopes and expectations of how someone else might behave, have got me in a pickle – being sure I know ‘what others need to let go of’ is usually a self-destructive minefield of powerlessness and disappointment – I do better to meet that wrenching exasperation in the body and dissolve it where it really is lodged.
Whoever else is involved in the most recent drama of reactivity and upset – the events and characters that triggered all these reactions in us are most likely never going to fall in line and be helpful, only our own inner presence and attention to how we feel in it. The reactivity that erupts is feelable – and with total willingness it can dissolve, if we take space from ‘what just happened’ for a bit, park the events and who did what for a second, and turn our attention and fascination towards what’s erupting or contracting in our body. This is a Taoist model where they deliberately, daily, dissolve all edgy, blocked, tight, or numb feelings by feeling it to it’s fullest willingly, fascinatedly, and when we apply it to big ‘let-go’s’ we can reclaim all the energy that’s knotted up and transform it into illumination and self care.
It’s the difference between allowing Life’s unexpected challenges and difficult people to collapse us and send us into disempowerment OR use what’s going on to access and dissolve deep buried traumatised reactivity that lives in us and then harvest it’s treasure. Empowered.
We can’t often control what happens but we can, at least, with practice, control that choice at the crossroads. This is where we can participate in our own liberation.
It’s hardcore self-activism.
Being ‘right’ is the biggest trap to distract us from this.
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It seems like all my coaching sessions, mentoring and workshops’ insights keep leading towards a single concept: SELF CARE.
Am I staying in a situation that doesn’t serve me? Self Care. Am I not being met in my relationship? Self Care. Am I giving myself the chance to live the dream doing what inspires and fulfils me? Self Care. Do I beat myself up with my expectations of how far I should have come by now? Self Care. Am I lonely? Self Care. Am I running to addictions and escapes to not feel my uncomfortable feelings? Self Care. Am I relying on external events and people to feel good inside? Self Care.
We’ve confused Self Care with Selfishness and abandoned ourselves and our needs. Time to end the suffering sacrifice people! You doing what feels good, is good for everyone. Your Truth is your Compass. Just try it for a bit.
Life is Infinite but a Human Life is 75/80 years – and you’re probably about half way through or more. Don’t wait.
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One key purpose of the Facebook groups I’ve set up (‘Bad Parents of The World, Unite!’, ‘Sanctuary For Terror’, ‘Being With My Rage’) is to de-stigmatise the shame of the raw, edgy, culturally-pushed-away sides of our lives and experiences. The ‘shame’ or ‘resistance’ people feel to share their most vulnerable experiences is one of the great diseases of our culture. We’ve all supported the wrong idea that it’s not ok to be simply yourself having the challenging experiences you’re having and be seen in it. This hiding, this ‘I couldn’t let anyone know the truth’ belief is a core reason our culture is so screwed up, fake, and shame-ridden. It’s the opposite of the intimate life we all really want. It’s collective loneliness and the hiding and shame has the ripple effect of less and less people feeling safe, feeling met, feeling part of the human race, deserving of love and support.
When we speak freely about the parts of ourselves that usually get skipped or hidden, we become walking permission slips for everyone else to come out of their painful, lonely hiding and join in. The stigma and this unhealthy, un-self-loving practice of hiding and faking begins to dissolve. But only by EXAMPLE.
My groups are there to offer a ‘no big deal’ attitude to the fear and drama of ‘if anyone knew the truth about me then…..’. There are many other closed groups available for those who want that perceived safety – but my ones are exploring something which is, to me, more to the core of what’s needed for all of us and I support and welcome and am grateful to all those who join me on this visible journey, bravely being the first to be seen in all their mess, so that others can have more comfort with theirs. In the 70s it was a taboo to get divorced and sharing experiences of unhappy marriages was a taboo too – it would only have happened in closed groups. Now, these days it’s no longer a taboo and people are getting the support they need. But it took brave people earlier on, to be seen, that gave everyone else the comfort. Let’s be braver and participate in the un-stigmatising of our basic truths and needs.
Please be a walking permission slip with me – lots of people need the example of your permission to dare to be free themselves and receive the support they need.
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