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Archive for October, 2012

Paedophilia

I feel disturbed by the UK’s response to the tragic Jimmy Saville events. For the record, I feel to support and promote any words and actions which seek to understand abusers and extend compassion and healing to all living beings. I do not feel to support or feed words or actions which condemn, shame and blame because those impulses are rooted in people acting from their pain and often their inability to relate to their own anger and hurt in any other way, not from their sound-judgement. I understand it but I don’t choose to feed or support it as it will never manifest healing for any victim or abuser. Culturally we are not encouraged to do anything but blame and be vengeful, sadly. But no words and actions rooted in condemnation ever lead to healing or closure for anyone, if anything they increase the traumas on both sides. I am a believer in Universal Innocence and seek to discover the roots of abuse that create abusers, not resort to just blaming the most recent in a long line of suffering, compulsive, wounded souls like JS.

Sometimes people say ‘but what if something like this happened to one of your kids?’ – the answer is this: if that happened I would undoubtedly be too traumatised at first to speak or act from anything other than my trauma, I would not be of sound mind and my judgements and actions would be destructive. But just because I would find it almost impossible to practice what I’ve written above in that situation doesn’t make the position less valid. I hope I would eventually encounter someone who would help me somehow seek out compassion and understanding.

Ironically, those who have sought out compassion and understanding for their abusers have found it the healthiest and quickest route to transforming both their own trauma and that of the abuser. Condemning and shaming has never helped a single victim or abuser, if anything it has entrenched their trauma deeper.

It’s not the condemnation of the abuser which helps heal the victims, it’s the victims’ innocence that needs to be upheld and reminded and affirmed. This is not the same thing as blaming the abuser but it does include affirming how ill or even horrendous their actions have been. And in my opinion all abusers are victims too. It can be hard to accept this but no matter what a ‘good time’ they may appear to be having, abusers like JS are in deep deep suffering and/or mental illness. How else could they possibly hurt so many? There’s no need for a clinical psychologist here. If you think it’s ok to rape children, then you’re ill.

For more info and compassionate good sense have a look here:

http://theforgivenessproject.com/

Phew, now I hope I can sleep…

www.jamiecatto.com

http://twitter.com/#!/JamieCatto

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This is a blog for women who care about men being attracted to them visually (though not only visually).

Ladies, I feel compelled to fill you in on a great truth! You are being lied to about the importance of your weight when it comes to attracting men! Would you be surprised to learn that for us men, it is FAR more central to our attraction to you that you hold yourself beautifully than how curvy you are. I know many women who, to those diet and weight-obsessed among you, might be considered ‘overweight’, yet to me, if they hold themselves beautifully, they are MILES more attractive than a thin women who slumps in her seat, or walks droopily. If a woman holds herself confidently, with grace and aligned posture, her attractiveness shines through no matter how much she weighs. Of course there are some clinically-obese women who some would acknowledge fall outside of this category but within the scope of the un-clnicallly obese, you would be amazed at how posture is the REAL factor in visual attraction for us men, not weight.

You could have a trim, fit, healthy body which fits the accepted dimensions of the female-read Gloss Magazines criteria for sexiness but if you slump in your seat, hold yourself poorly and walk with no grace, you will be far less attractive to a man than a woman who is curvier, weighs more but holds herself with confidence and elegance.

When I see promises of miracle diets on your magazines I always despair and think to myself: if these women spent half as much time addressing their posture as they did agonising about their weight then all their perceived man-attracting problems would be solved!

Please try it for a week. Balance a book on your head, think to yourself ‘how would a totally confident woman sit in this chair? – how would she walk down this street? How would she enter this room?’ – practice these kinds of questions and experiments and I promise you you will be amazed at the difference. You will receive compliments from men and women all over the place, often mistaking your new radiance for weight loss!

Please, on behalf of all men, give this idea a try and share with us below any results.

P.S. please don’t write to me to tell me that visual attraction is a shallow thing with which to concern oneself. We all know a real, connected, present relationship is not based on the visual attraction alone.

Info for both Jamie’s Creative and Intimacy weekends at http://www.jamiecatto.com – turn right at the crossroads

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We hold back our full excitement sometimes in case we look too keen or uncool. There’s something so beautiful about childlike excitement but it can feel risky. We expose ourselves in our youngness and if we are not met there we can suddenly feel foolish and alienated. So often we limit our expression of joy to appear ‘appropriate’ and ‘measured’.

I get much more excited by, and more intimate with, someone who is total in their passion and excitement than someone who plays it down to play it safe.

Your excitement is magnetic. Your excitement is attractive and juicy. When I see you consumed by your passion I am drawn to you and I want to be infected by your enthusiasm and spirit.

Show me your bigness and see how I myself am encouraged to open more and be seen in my own passions.

What is one specific aspect or area in your life you could be bigger in, something you could dare to be more seen in? Please share with us below.

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Why so much about Intimacy and what do we get up to on these weekends?

For me, Intimacy comes in 4 levels, or at least there’s 4 things that especially inspire me right now.

1) Intimacy with my Lover: this has so much to do with dissolving old unconscious behaviours and strategies which fog intimacy. Ways I manipulate and control, even in subtle ways, to stay safe and in my ‘perceived’ comfort zone. A huge amount of mutual appreciation and effortless Intimacy lies behind these busy blocks. Intimacy arises effortlessly, naturally when we’re all in the lightened-up, no nonsense space together and we realise that the thing in the way is only a mirage and once arrived at, has no substance.

2) Intimacy with everyone in my life: which means not turning up to work every day having to pretend I’m not crazy for everyone. I am crazy, you are, we all are, and I believe that the amount of energy we waste keeping up a mask, a role for everyone, a smaller than me version of myself, a crippled brochure of ‘just my appropriate parts’, is incredibly limiting as a lover, parent, artist, human. We’re all addicted to approval from birth. So all my violent self-editing due to my approval addiction is really a manipulation to make you behave in a way I want, approving and accepting me, rather than risk how you might behave if I showed you my big, unapologetic, whole self. I want to loosen that stuff up. I am turned off by your appropriateness. In fact I find it provocative. It makes me want to go to the edge of it with you and see what’s really there.

3) Intimacy with myself: I have rushed into so many decisions and actions without really checking in with myself in the moment ‘what I actually want’. Things I take for granted, things I make myself do, things I deny myself due to limiting beliefs. I want the space to really listen to me. No one else will meet my needs no matter what they promise. No one will know my needs if I don’t ask myself what I need and then communicate it to others. I need to give myself more space and not force myself through experiences that I don’t really want just because it’s expected or ‘what I’ve always done’.

4) This really excites me – Intimacy with all the unexpected circumstances of my life – when something unexpected or not ‘what I ordered’ happens in my life, my old reaction would be to immediately control it, and ‘guide’ it back to how I originally wanted it. But now I want to leave more space. I choose to listen more to how these circumstances that I usually resist might actually be a gift, a benevolent beckoning from my soul to invite me back to a more honest, whole, version of myself. The characters that turn up to challenge me feel like they’ve been sent over by Central Casting to be just that kind of person who would make me react in that way and see what an over-reactive diva I can be! I believe the whole of external reality is set up to invite me back to presence. This is how I begin to trust what’s going on and above all participate with what crosses my path.

all Creative and Intimacy weekends at www.jamiecatto.com – turn right at the crossroads

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Sometimes in a household where a couple have much to accomplish; kids, jobs, money, the runnings of a home, it can be exhausting for them both, and there are inevitably some jobs that come up along the way that at the end of a tiring day, neither person wants to do.  The biggest trap the couple can fall into is to start competing for ‘who’s done more recently,’ or ‘who’s most exhausted,’

If you and your partner begin competing in this way to justify being able to rest, then you are empowering and magnetising a reality where you believe you both must suffer to earn your rest. You start creating a reality where suffering becomes a currency – you start creating a belief that you both must to suffer for your love.

This inevitably creates an ugly, manipulative relationship where both people are inflating their sense of being a victim to get their needs met and competing for the ‘Martyr Crown.’ This will kill the attraction in the relationship stone dead.

To vulnerably ask for the support I need without fighting for it with the expectation of refusal or injustice, is Intimacy.

Try this:

Practice saying ‘No’ without following it with an excuse.
There’s nothing sexier than someone who’s in touch with their ‘No’.
We’re so used to fending off demands that we can forget our innate right to just say ‘No’ to something we don’t want to do.
To make excuses while you say ‘No’ is a manipulative placating device to control the other person’s response to your refusal. It’s also a statement that you yourself doubt your own right to refuse and need to back it up with justifications.
Justifications make you sound like you yourself lack the belief in your own justice.
For a day (and for the rest of your life) take a long moment to check-in with yourself thoroughly before you agree to anything.
Without an Intimate relationship with your own preferences and needs you will automatically roam and wander into situations and realities that don’t serve or excite you.
Practice saying ‘No’ with full, centered presence whenever it is your truth. And don’t protect everyone so much from their responses to your truth. We are creating a honest, visible world and their messy responses are far more nourishing and authentic than this insipidly fake ‘politeness’ and ‘appropriateness’.

Please write what happens below and how you feel right now about being THAT honest.

Both Creative and Intimacy weekend workshops at http://www.jamiecatto.com/

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