Archive for January, 2013

I am a provoker and a disruptor, a wind-up merchant and a tail puller, a prodder and a poker. When I meet someone’s ‘appropriate’ mask my first impulse is to want to dance with them to the edge of their ‘appropriate’ version of themselves and see what illuminating fun can be had when the mask slips. Suddenly, then, there’s a chance of intimacy and often some well-needed oxygen.

When I was a child I soon learned, as did the other children, that when I got things right and obeyed my carers I was awarded the kisses, prizes and approval of ‘basic human training’. Most kids worked it out pretty quickly. Get it right and the computer goes <ping!>. Pass the test <ping!> Tie the shoelace <ping!> sit down nicely <ping!> add up the numbers <ping!> be a good boy <ping!> <ping!> <ping!>. But the problem with being intelligent and curious is that before very long the <ping!> noise becomes predictable and boring – even claustrophobic at times.

And then soon one discovers that when you get it ‘wrong’ the computer does something much more interesting – it goes <dn%fkj*erbfk!> or <nd$eg£rfnjh!> and always in a uniquely insightful way! As the wonderful word-artist Jenny Holzer once wrote:

‘Spit a mouthful of milk over someone if you want to learn something about their personality fast.’

So my natural fascination led me to become labelled a problem child – always in trouble and always puzzled by the injustice of it.

Since that time I’ve never lost my excitement to explore the edges where ‘normal’ repetitive, robotic and safe codes of behaviour can be disrupted and dissolve into laughter, creativity, foolishness and numerous epiphanies. I want to question and challenge the dishonest, violently self-edited ‘brochure’ of ourselves that we each present to the World. We’ve become so used to being fake and hiding who we really are inside. I no longer wish to feed that sleepy, unconscious agreement we seem to have all made to not trigger each other, not challenge each other and not say what we see or how we really feel.

There can be a few sticky transitions as disrupting limiting or unnecessary rules isn’t for everyone at first.

But there’s one rule that even amongst the culture of being a rule-free shaker-upper of things must be observed, and that is that no matter who’s tail I’m pulling, who’s ego I’m challenging, who’s mask I’m slipping, if I am IN ANY WAY coming from even a shred of superiority, elitism, point-scoring or self-aggrandisement then my offering is toxic as hell.

I have to be fully open-hearted at all times – what I now call ‘Heart Mountain’, and then with any gift I give, any two-penny-worth I throw into the soup, I can be fully responsible and loving and hold the space with confidence and fascination for whatever might arise. But if I am trying to prove something to the person I am challenging, if I’m feeding back to them without full empathy and knowledge of my own fallibility and foolishness, then I’m likely going to start a fight, shut someone down or even, as has happened to me upon occasion, be physically assaulted.

Heart Mountain is the key to all communication, especially the tender stuff. Heart Mountain is connected to the Earth over a large area. Heart Mountain is still and always listening and observing without judgement. When I know I am centred in Heart Mountain I can dare to express my edgiest, most risky offerings with confidence. From Heart Mountain I can be steadfast in the face of all criticism and complaint and never need to defend or argue.

Please tell me about any times where the difference between coming from Heart Mountain and not has been illuminating for you. Please share your thoughts about not holding back. Let’s express our truths and observances from Heart Mountain and be always inclusive of our own fallibility while we co-create new, emotionally safe domains to play and learn together.

All Creativity and Intimacy Workshops and Coaching at www.jamiecatto.com

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It stands to reason that in love-making, on the surface at least, it is the woman, ‘the penetrated one’, who holds the vulnerability. After all, having a man push himself into your most sacred and sensitive opening is about the most surrendered and yielding experience one can imagine. So it’s understandable that while women are in the ‘receiving’ role sexually, and are also usually less physically strong than their male partners, the vulnerability is held by the women. I’d like to connect with you deeper in this vulnerability and share something I haven’t spoken about before.

It is extremely vulnerable for us men to be the ‘penetrator’ too. As much as we work on raising our sensitivities and empathy to women, unless we enjoy our own anal penetration, we don’t know what it’s like to be ‘pushed into’. Today, the social climate around men’s sexuality includes a lot of past trauma from abusive and violent sex or just insensitive or immature men of previous generations who had no clue what they were doing to their women. Today’s women bear the scars of past, male-dominated, unfeeling sexual experiences and it has only been very recently that the law and society’s moral compass has even acknowledged a woman’s right so say “No” even in the middle of sex and even if she’s married to the man she’s having sex with. Unbelievably, still, in most countries there is no law against a man raping his wife. She has no legal right to refuse him and no legal protection if he rapes her. Even in USA and UK the law has only been passed to protect married women in the last 50 years or so, and across Asia and Africa they think I’m crazy to even bring the subject up.

So the idea that men could be the vulnerable ones in love-making may sound puzzling at first. But I want to express that as a man, carrying the burden of women’s often negative expectations and the ever-felt sexual wounds of all mistreated women of the past, creates a very unique and sensitive vulnerability of it’s own – for the men. Perhaps it could be likened to German grandchildren of the Nazis who themselves played no part in the abuses of WW2 but in the post war decades couldn’t help being tarred by the same brush and unjustly carrying some of the guilt and rejection.

Men carry the shame of our abusive, sexually incontinent forefathers and we don’t want to bring that trauma into the bedroom any more. It’s in the way of us having incredible, heart-bursting sex with you.

Today, if you are man with any degree of sensitivity, it is a vulnerable thing to penetrate a woman. I don’t want to abuse you, trigger you into past trauma or in any way mistranslate your wants or needs. I would hate to accidentally touch you in a way that jarred you or misread your passion. So, if you notice my hesitancy or any held-back-ness, please do not translate this as any lack of desire on my part. I may be waiting for a clearer invitation.

Women, please invite us clearly and unmistakably to make love with you. Only when we are certain that your invitation is wholehearted and clear can we melt into devotional service to your pleasure. We need to be total, unbridled by doubt, to allow the strength of our male physicality to take you. We want to explode you into light and usher you to the door where you can dissolve into pure sex with the Big Spirit – in the field that is beyond us both, but until we are certain that Your invitation is total, we can’t surrender to giving you our gifts fully.

Your vulnerability is my vulnerability. Let’s melt deeper into it together and heal the past traumas with our love-making.



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All Intimacy and Creativity Workshops at www.jamiecatto.com


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