It’s been a wonderful, raw, challenging few days here at home. More illuminations about how we, in our relationship, often have complimentary wounds which can serve as platforms for growth and healing once we get skilled at noticing their potential and not getting perpetually sucked into mutual resistance, fighting and pain loops.
This week the old wounds of Raisa feeling that ‘the man’ is not meeting her fully, not there for her, not available, triggered much pain and complaint, a deep sense of mistrust which was expressed verbally and in a strong energetic resistance like a wall between us. Ironically, or maybe perfectly, when she expressed this, it triggered my own deep wounds of feeling unappreciated, feeling like I’m not being loved for who I simply am, that somehow I’m not delivering what’s needed by just being me and that I am ‘a failure’, ‘redundant’ or even ‘a bad boy’.
This hurt so much that instead of seeing through her words and defence strategies into her pain, I instead, as usual, started defending my position, persuading her that this was not true, that our relationship was not as fundamentally flawed as she was saying, and that I AM available and loving and I even complained and expressed upset that ‘I’m not being seen for who I am’ or ‘appreciated for the gifts and love I bring’. I argued that I AM available and that it was her who was ‘leaving’.
This is an age old loop. My reaction to her makes her feel even LESS felt and seen, and more lonely than she was before, so we endlessly talk and process and separate even more into alienation and loneliness. This is how the mirror can create a vicious circle of pain. Does this sound familiar?
I’m excited to report that this week we’ve gone beyond this exhausting pattern – just a few times, but it feels revolutionary.
The challenge for me is to not believe the literal content of what she says. To not defend it or make her words ‘about me’. Even though they impact me greatly because I have such deep wounds around being rejected or criticised by ‘the woman’ (my Mother?) for ‘not being enough’ or ‘not what’s wanted here’, I have to let those waves pass through me, feel them, and then look deeper, see behind her complaint into her pain. I need to stop believing her words and realise that what she’s saying, even though it feels ‘true’ to her in that moment, is really her mind’s strategy to not feel her deeper trauma and vulnerability of desperately wanting to be held in that moment as her old wound discharges some pain. Something raw is moving in her, and she needs me to hold her, love her, above all, simply be present with her, despite all her ‘pushing away’.
This takes a lot of presence, breath, and steadfastness.
The last thing I want to do in that moment when I am feeling so unfairly treated, so painfully rejected, is to love her, hold her or comfort her. But this is what is asked of me, as a man, on a deeper level. To breathe through the self-pity and the urge to escape and to go to her, dissolve through her illusory wall, and wrap my arms around her, communicating with touch, with my whole body, that love is here. Presence is here. I am here.
By some miracle, this week, we have managed to do this a few times and the response has been beautiful. She has melted into tears, into soft, yielding sobs of accepting love. We are re-writing our deep beliefs every time we dissolve through the surface ‘version’ of complaint and pain and connect deeper to what she is really asking for, which is to be met and held in this moment.
Yesterday we repeated this cycle of penetrating through the rejection and lonely resistance three times before lunch and we were both high with the realisations and potential to shift this pattern now in our relationship. Every time we broke through, an immense amount of sexual energy was released. We have been melting into so much lovemaking, creativity, gentle holding, a profound level of peace has returned as we’ve realised – the very thing that was dividing us and hurting us is the door to our mutual healing and re-writing of our old beliefs and patterns.
The wound is the key if we can only be skilful and present enough to dissolve through the surface story that arises to hide our deeper vulnerability and pain. In this way I get to dissolve my old wounded beliefs around ‘not being enough’ and she gets to dissolve her wounds of ‘the man isn’t available’. The reward is that we both get the intimacy and presence we need. The conflict we were experiencing was actually a signpost to healing.
The battle is the map to peace when we dare to read it the right way.
Please share your experiences with this below.
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