There’s a scent of reunion in the air. The women want their men back, and I have a foolish and lyrical notion that we can be the Pied Pipers, leading the men back to the women. Our task as men is to re-awaken each other’s maleness and leadership again, but this time expressed through our compassion and service, not our control and dominion.
Over the last 100 or more years, women have understandably lost their trust in men in general. This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. Fragile-ego’d, self-seeking, solely cock-driven, permanently adolescent men have abused the planet on every level. The air, water, and soil are polluted, the animals violently killed, the children uneducated and the old people uncared for.
And it may sound radical to say this, but there has emerged a masculine edge in women, which has crept in during the past half a century. It is an edge that has, I believe, been born of a lack of trust in the males to deliver leadership and protection through service and wisdom. Women have been over-masculinising like mad to compensate for the essence of true maleness that’s so badly lacking in at least the last two generations of men, who have been addicted to profit and status.
Is it any wonder women have lost trust in men’s expression of their core male values?
But what excites me is that over the last 50 years, a radical shift in maleness has been emerging. There has been a whole new wave of softer men, relating to their wives and lovers more, connecting more presently with their kids, and actively trying to cultivate this by attending deepening workshops, for example.
This has awakened the vital feminine-in-the-male quality. But it has only brought us so far. It is a long way from the re-emergence of the powerful, unwavering male that the planet and the human species so badly needs today. Cultivating the feminine qualities in the modern man is just a stepping stone to a deeper re-awakening, and that’s the male-in-the-male.
My recent conversations and workshop sessions with numerous women have left me in no doubt that the women want their men back in their true maleness. This means being strong, steadfast and genuine; unswayed by the grasping, needy, untrustworthy and superficial values that have often been driving them in this last century.
In my experience, there seems to be a huge yearning among these women to relax more into their feminine selves, melt and soften and just be.
But to trust that when they melt, the man will be a clear and strong container for that melting, feels like too big an expectation for them to have these days. The kind of man I speak of can hold his woman in her all diverse and changeable forms. He is a heart mountain.
I’ve purposely experimented when spending time with women recently. My intention has been to hold the masculine core in how we relate, being strong and present for them, just for 20 focused minutes, to represent and embody that pure, steadfast maleness.
The visible permission that 20 minutes gives the women to feminise is vividly noticeable within moments. She softens. She opens, she glows, she sometimes sobs with relief and the uncomfortable maleness she was holding melts just a little.
Could it be that the women of the planet are hungry and eager for the men to step into this trustworthy, loyal, devoted, dependable space? Are the men ready for this? I say yes, we are.
So as men, it should be our mission to beckon and invite each other to step back into our strength and power, but this time renewed in constant, reliable, unfaltering attendance to the true principles of authentic support, leadership through service, and humble devotion to women.
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The Order of the Sacred Woodsman is a facebook group established by Jamie Catto, where men can gather and uphold their male strengths and share their insights and vulnerabilities, AND NOW Woodsmen For Women which is for both men and women to share gifts, ideas, vulnerabilities…
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Jamie's Blog 
all power to your mission jamie … :~) ……… xxOxx
Yes! thank you and much love for sharing this insight ❤
Goodness yes we are soooo ready to melt and be held by strong and loving men.
We want to leave the male driven grind to connect, do creative things, to make things, to bake things without feeling like we’re ‘in our place’ barefoot pregnant in the kitchen, but rather barefoot, inspiring Goddesses adored, appreciated, heard and understood by our men.
Brilliant post.
Words are not enough…
Ooops… perhaps you misunderstand that! I guess it could be misconstrued!
I mean I am deeply touched and honoured by what you expressed here…
yes yes yes this is my dream, if i can achieve anything like this, thankyou for expressing it …xox
what a beautiful sculpture, who is it by?
Here’s a thought… could the condition of the male species over the last couple of generations be because an entire generation of fathers was away during the second world war and, of course, many never came home? The 60s then saw adult males who’d had no complete role models and a lot of the excesses of the 60s relate to that. A generation or two past that and our societies haven’t yet recovered a strong, confident, properly balanced maleness..
Here is another…….could some of it be that even in this day and age, men in general are still not involving themselves very much in child rearing and spend most of their time perusing profit and wealth, admittedly shared on by some greedy women who’s sole goal in life is to have expensive everything. Unless both genders regard nurturing the next generation as the most important job in life not much will change.
‘men in general are still not involving themselves very much in child rearing’ huge generalisation
Wow! And as a woman: Thank you x
Hi Jamie You have hit the nail on the head and absolutely right . Hope your tour went Well. Christine
Sent from my iPhone
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Hi Jamie
Interesting post,stirring and provocative
unfortunately I am a man and have been for as long as i can remember…This hasnt been a comfortable position and hardly at the top of a power pyramid of oppression as some would say. My reality as of today is that whilst i have been identified as being part of a cohort that is responsible for 400 years of slavery and ,as all men were defined in the 90’s, a ‘potential rapist’ by some.
I would like to believe i would have marched alongside the suffragettes rather than supported structures to oppress women ,but I am a man.
I am a man- modern feminism to me is a hedonistic dirty word ,the idea that women now want me back out of the closet ,no sorry ,you have to do a bit more than that love!
Just for the record ,the feminists that want equality whereever you are, I applaud you…. The individuals who use feminism to vent thier frustrations about thier own challenges and struggles I hide from you and feel we are apart.
I have a mother ,a female partner and a daughter.I am a man. i love my partner and am proud that whilst she can and does lead she also supports me in doing ,she is strong yet considerate and if there is a bag of coal to be carried ,wont think its her right not to try .
We have ,BOTH men and women suffered in the pursuance of equality, and i believe have evolved to share a burden as equals.
‘ The kind of WOman I speak of can hold her man in his all diverse and changeable forms. SHe is a heart mountain’.
Whilst i recognise there are lost strengths in what is ‘a man ‘and misappropriated identities, the reason for restablishing a positive male role in society is something we need to be carefull with….
Arguably a womens role in society in some ways is cheapened (whilst some would say empowered) by working in a strip club titivateing a man. Women may want thier men back ,this cant be directed via men becoming better partners ,lovers and objects of ‘ooo’, this change needs to be about the reidentification of men by all not some coo’ing middle english proffesional hippy or someone who has become bored of feminism this month-
Sorry to rant ,but i for one need something more to want to come out of the closet, i feel aggrieved ,I am am man, and possibly a long way off going public with an investigation as to what that means …
Whilst i wholly applaud your assertion ,Jamie, when the women that say they want thier men back talk to you ,what do they say they are prepared to do to get them?
Yours male and embittered obviously!!!!
As a female wanting to embrace her femininity and all that entails… what I am prepared to do and desire so longingly to do is to relinquish some of the control and masculine traits that women seemed to feel were necessary in order to overcome the patriarchal system…. the see saw simply swung from one polarity to the other….. necessary perhaps (at the time)….
My sense and my perspective is that we are no longer living in either of those times and what we have now is the opportunity to create the balance between masculine and feminine….. within ourselves and within the genders.
Amen Brother! While we all walk our own paths, I can relate to the experiences you describe and the conditions sought. Rather than see a return to what we once had, why not create a new paradym in which to define what a makes both a “man” and a “women” given both identities have changed much over the past 50+ years
You are not alone… I am a sensitive human being with a temperament which is not far from this ‘leadership through service.., humble devotion…’ not through effort to become that way, (but by the grace of who or whatever is responsible for supplying personality!). My experience is that of being treated with contempt… Having my kindness, my caring nature and desire to see success in others, my practical grounded support, empowerment and encouragement along with my ‘rock’ qualities… used to hurt me. I have been treated with contempt,, compared unfavourably with Ex partners who were both unsupportive and controlling… I have been cheated on by women, with men like that, had partners flirt with men like that with me in the same room, and had my feelings about such things dismissed or even mocked.
My desire for open and honest communication also gets a regular slap. Since when has concern for another human being’s welfare, (one who is showing signs of having a breakdown,) been “Needy????!” And, is there really, “nothing worse..” than a “needy”, (by virtue of poor definition) man?!
I read somewhere that the no.1 feature that women find attractive in a man is… “Social Dominance.”!
My experience suggests the equality ideal seems to have turned into a lust for power and dominion over every aspect of life… An I want, I want, I want, attitude where simple success and overcoming a lifetime’s blocks and insecurities is no match for the fantasy image of perfection that it is compared to. In fact it’s simply a stepping stone to dropping the old vision and upgrading! And that includes the trophy man that other’s will be jealous of, because he displays social dominance in public , even at a cost of the quality of connection, dedication and support they experience in the relationship.
There must be more to concious, heart-centred living than being able to say, “check out what I manifested! Oh yes….I am SO on MY path…!”
Have seen this happening a lot in the past couple of years. I agree about women loosing trust in men trough the years. A recent article I read said that women are looking for men who will be good fathers to their children, yet we get treated as if the child is going to be born tomorrow.
I find generalizations really hard to deal with when it comes to issues of race and gender. I have no doubt the thinker/author means well. But I’d like to just bring something up for the querying:
“Is it any wonder women have lost trust in men’s expression of their core male values”
This came after the usual hit-list of ‘what men did/aka patriarchy’. I would like to suggest in most cases this hit list is not helpful. Humans have a problem of something like 5-2% of its members who are functionally incapable of empathy, and many but not all of them are male. On account of this small percentage we suffer social and global level problems that effect us all. But its a mistake for an innocent man who has not raped or killed to carry the shame of this 5% – I just don’t follow where this line of thought holds any logic whatsoever. Its like saying all Belgians are racist because King Leopold killed millions of africans. When we group outselves into categories they are useful up to a point, but concept can over-ride reality, and our ‘liberatory concepts’ become conceptual devices that split us from being able to experience the real flow of life.
I do hope and believe that men and women find their way back to the garden and to each other but slowly I believe it will be inspite of a lot of ‘gender theory’, not because of it.
Hit it right on the head Jamie, as a Male who is totally in touch with his Feminine side, I can see and feel what you are saying, really resonates for me. The problem that Men like us have at the moment (and is nothing to do with being embittered as the last commenter suggests, and obviously didn’t want to identify herself) is that we reach out to Women on an emotional level and are totally misunderstood by women on all levels. We are still treated as the misogynistic predatory male.
I have totally lost faith in women to accept who I am and my motives. I actually think a lot or women are SO in touch with their need to dominate (and call it “equality”) that it actually prevents good emotional equal relationships to form.
Rob
This was some true male-centered misogyny. Thanks for sharing.
Sorry I completely misread the end of the previous comment that I refered to
Yes, I see what you are talking about, but it’s in our culture that woman shouldn’t be sexual, and all that, and you guys and girls do have misconceptions about woman who are sexually free, so…it’s an eternal battle, it seems. A man wants a woman that satisfies him, but also that is a saint. Both things doesn’t match. A man needs to feel he really satisfy his woman, when more than 40 per cent doesn’t even know what an orgasm really is. A woman need to have an education on this, but she can’t. She is taught since young age to behave and all that, to suppress her sexuality and all that. Why? because men has this dirty mind, while we are innocent they are so dirty in their minds…women will be seeing as sluts if they try around and are free, so she has to behave, and she does behave, she will never learn…so…is there a solution? Men are so proud and insecure that woman has to make them feel they are superior…so they can feel good about themselves. The result? annulation, submission…and they complain we do not satisfy them…when will it ever end? men and woman needs to open their minds more, parents too, otherwise dear…I see no light at the end of this tunnel, I’m afraid.
My question goes to “male and embittered”… What do you suggest we do? Personally I am at a loss here, between being a parent & working to support us financially, juggling the bills & studying to qualify for better paid employment, I’m already pushed to breaking point. I wonder if you could elaborate a little on what is expected of women?
Hi “male and embittered here” im sorry to misconstrue, if i have…I think I/we should expect nothing ,in the sense that it is not a disagreement with a call for change rather a recognition of pace of change …I feel for every open minded person such as yourself there are still ten who would rather find a way to condemn,distrust or stereo type…We are still in a period of hello magazine, polarised good and evil and a simlistic and tabloid appreciation of our social world..and whilst jamie is right ;we do need to strike out for change, i believe we all feel the weariness you maybe talk of in some way.
Modern men may feel the need still to be defensive as the social construction often argued as a set up designed by men to benefit men (which i believe was really set up by the poweful to maitain the power _although at the time a proportion but misrepresentation of men), which is in part arguably why boys dont get careers in nurseries, dads go to war and pay CSA….
I am wholly not advocating for a session down the woods howling with a beard and some tribal drums in caveman underpants….i think our world ,our society significantly complexed and gender identity roles within this are victim to historic and present abuses for all number of reasons..If we are truly to shape a movement out of this it maybe by defining identity as an aspiration we own and share… This aspiration would stand so much a better chance if ,contrary to what we have now, it were a discussion about vulnerability ,need for support and acceptance…I still feel we are predominantly in a space were we are arguing against each other generally …We need to maybe change the culture -it should be men that say how great women are and why ,and women who celebrate the virtues of man and enable them to become thier best…when in competition ,when we find resons to blame ,we end up polarised ,defensive ,right and wrong…
I am a man …….Do i agree and support systematic abuses of young women through to adult hood, do I support a media that encourages the cartoon sexualisation of young women in the name of liberty and girl power or believe in the diproportionate representation of women in politics even tody…ABSOLUTELY NOT…
This is our problem , we all have a perspective on. I ask the same question of myself-what am I supposed to do ? I think lets give each other time and space thats safe to start with – for the people at least that are hoping for a new dawn ,maybe its about gently letting go of the old arguments ,the ones that afford us the right to feel shortchanged or defensive ,that drive wedges between in the name of gender and social struture and by the default maintainance of the division. For ,all around us if we look hard enough, there are examples, great examples ,of good people who seemingly without direction ,permission or support from the social structure happen to be men and women…Its possibly about celebrating these people or instances of behaviour to counter the misrepresentation made by another…
I believe there is nothing more powerful and game changing than a women challenging feminist rhetoric in defence of man or a man challenging a typical male strereo type in support of women.
So ,maybe in summary all I hope for rather than expect is that we all work to the space you occupy which is ‘what can we do’ rather than why we have a reason not to do anything….
I think a previous comment on another of jamie’s talks was about being self healing and growing toward the light, when we look at all the disfunctional men in society and the harm they cause to them selves and others ,its probably a good point to start from, how do we heal these broken ,misplaced identities, how do we give a stake in society thats valued and rewarded..maybe its about rewarding the good as appose to highlighting the bad..rewarding progressing rather than defending a gender
OK -not so embittered now -thanks for the space and open ended question
“personally ,im at a loss” (P.Silver)
Jamie.S
ps Sandra ,thanks for that ,the most propelling motivator for me to care is anothers open and honest fallability….when my partner is strong in her opinion and angry in her self at times ,she is right,she is justified she is bloody hard to care for -she appears an island (i appreciate why,but none the less)
psps i am not advocating vulnerability,just honest falability
Thank you.
The sculpture bought tears to my eyes. I loved with all my heart,bore the children of that love,but the man I fell for in his soft loving kindness became hard,addicted and put his own passions and greed before that of his family.
I see us as a lost generation of women. To be held and cherished. For me that’s been a long time. We are now a year seperated,living in different countries. I was so loyal and supportive. After 17 years I have not kissed or held another man. I thought we would grow old together ,not apart,I am 50. I have young children and now am doing everything rather than sharing,and looking around me it seems so many families have thrown in the towel. I am fascinated by social history,I do believe that we live in a difficult generation.
That actually no one is to blame,that we are part of a big shift . Personally I don’t like what I see and feel. For those reading with partners,go hug and hold them. Sleeping alone ain’t much fun. I agree Jamie,spread the word as best you can,I am barefoot in the kitchen and not unhappy,but men need to look at things differently,and I for one would like to be less hard edged and male in my core,it’s where I find myself but it wasn’t the destination,somehow got lost on the journey.
Bless you…x
Yes! Yes! Yes ! you put into words
, my heart held dream, of the Devine Relationship, between man and woman, the way to go.
How beautifully and exquisitely expressed. I have been watching our men becoming more and more lost, ego centered, heading for alcohol, drugs and quick fixes instead of masculine majesty for years. It takes a brave man to own that tragedy and take a stand, Good for you and I’ll share your words with my male friends to help spread your loving intentions ❤
I was so pleased to read your hypothesis Jamie and am encouraged that I’m not alone in believing similar. Thank you for making such a lucid, cogent and coherent case for men reclaiming their power and that for the benefit of all. I believe it’s going to be a long road to dissolve/resolve the damage created through this worsening gender confusion and I believe it’s a journey capable of manifesting much learning and many joys along the way to achieving a circumstance where once again and maybe for the first time it is possible for man and woman to walk alongside each other comfortably and in happinness, neither leading or following and in equilibrium and harmony. I hope our individual paths may someday cross so that we can compare, contrast and learn from the experience of striving for a common goal. My blessings and love. Rik Stack
I LOVE you!!! Thank you for speaking for my soul.
I would love to guest post this and Heart Mountain on our blog, if that is okay with you =)
If the masculine core is strong and present then what is the feminine core? More changeable, less fixed? more fragile even? Interested to experiment more with femininity having not inhabited this space ever much.
The feminine is creativity,openness,receptivity, change. She is the one that creates everything. the masculine in consciousness and focus, strength. When the 2 meet in real recognition of each other, they begin to create a new conscious reality in this world which is not only felt in their relationship but in the environment they create. This is not myth, this can really happen.
Jamie, your “foolish and lyrical notion” found its mark within me. You managed to express in your short post an idea that has been rattling around my brain (and my heart) for a long time, and one which I tried to articulate in a recently published book … but you nailed it here!
I want that world where men (and women) can be strong, steadfast, genuine, and guided by compassion, service and wisdom. Not the world where we are cock-driven by graspy, needy, self-seeking and superficial values to control our dominion.
Thank you for your words. Can’t wait to hear more – and see 1 Giant Leap – tonight in Brisbane.
Love this Jamie… once again holding up the mirror and facing my stuff… i am blessed with an amazingly strong wife who can hold the space, is an incredible mother and beautiful beautiful friend and sometimes i forget that what she needs is to be held, to be soft and vulnerable… thanks for the reminder… please keep reminding me…
Women want their men back because they, too, are out of balance.
that is a great observation Sandra.
It sums up this discussion with respect for both sexes.
Yes we do x x x
Yes – lead the revolution … this is definitely what all the women I know are wanting from men!
I am an old woman. a fierce ball-breaking feminist who can out man any man.It made me weep to read the truth of this
how old is old?
Thank you for this, Jamie. It’s a deep desire for me to be the type of woman who inspires a good man to provide a space where it’s simply safe to melt. I always enjoy your posts.
[…] Leading The Men Back To The Women. […]
Reblogged this on k a r a h ~ l i n and commented:
You Will Love this I do !!!
love it!!!! spot on!
Great writing! Ohhhh the statue, how both men & women want to be held. The trust, on both sides. Especially for a man to allow himself to break down his armour in protecting his heart, so she can be the his soft place to fall from the outside world, when a women loves a man he has a lack of understanding the importance he is to her… Many unhealed & unresolved past emotional pain from failed relationships.
I disagree with most of what you say here and your article is a mere cry for more “traditional” and strictly defined gender roles. What if we ENDED GENDER all together? Loved ourselves and each other…
I agree with a lot of what you’re saying here, as I am one of those women who is happy to melt, soften and just be held by my “heart mountain” man. But I also agree with the above post. Creating dichotomy in gender is neither helpful or reflective of peoples’ individual selves. Gender is fluid; there is nothing inherently wrong with women acting in “over-masculinising” ways, or men behaving as quintessentially feminine. The sooner we accept this as a society, the better we will be.
if women are unhappy over masculinising then it’s inherently wrong, no? of course women who like it can go for it
In your post, you said women are “over-masculinising” themselves in response to men’s failures. First off, what do you deem as “over masculine”? Strong boundaries? The ability to discern? Being angry?
Secondly, could it not be that women are just fully actualizing themselves? For me personally, it’s important to be soft AND strong.
I would also like to point out that through your call for men’s return to “compassion and service” you leave no room for them to be emotional creatures. They are supposed to hold women’s vulnerability and diversity and remain steadfast and stoic. But what about when they lose themselves to feeling? Can women not hold them in their vulnerability as well? It seems in your mind, this isn’t allowed. This perpetuates the worst gender stereotypes and sounds dangerously close to benevolent sexism to me. Thoughts?
No Erin, I said none of the things that you’re making assumptions about – maybe read some of the other blogs – I think you’re getting in a tiz about a whole load of things that weren’t said – ‘you leave no room for…’ What are you going on about leaving no room? I think you have a pre-agenda that has nothing to do with me or what I choose to write
Right. I’m getting into a “tiz”. I’m making assumptions and definitely not using direct quotes from your post… Thanks for the insight.
thanks for admitting it, I forgive you
Hahaha, you’re good.
I agree with the above. There are more similarities between the genders then there are differences. Being powerful and strong does not equal traditionally male attributes but can also include what is usually regarded as female such as being supportive and nurturing for example. If there is a power gap, one reason for it being filled by women could be out of necessity and because ‘the current powers that be’ are not doing enough to look after the next generation and provide the community it needs to grow into whole human beings.
JES! True words … waking a deep longing in my heart. Thank you!
Yes, yes, oh YES! I run sexual and spiritual awakening workshops with women, and have also been conducting research with women for the past year on love, sex and relationship. The yearning for the return of the real man – potent, powerful, awake – is strong. I also notice an imbalance – so many women stepping into their Goddess power and potential, but not enough conscious, masculine men there to meet them. It’s time for a re-union!
Wow, indeed if men follow your amazing lead.. thanks Jamie. x
You’ve understood the essence of our need and offered it to other men. What a gift you offer woman in this journey to becoming together.
I love this piece Jamie – thank you. In 2012 we shifted from the masculine energy consciousness cycle to the female energy consciousness cycle and men and women are feeling the divine feminine being called forward from within themselves. We are at an important time in humanity’s evolution. In order for us to avert further chaos we must embody and act upon the divine feminine qualities of nurturing, compassion, co-operation, relatedness, intuition, harmony and healing. I believe finding balance in masculine and feminine energy within oneself will allow us to come together to create the change we need to move into a new way of being here on earth.
Thanks Jamie for this piece.
Very evokative. I know that when I wanted to step up ‘as a man’ (not sure of a true definition of this) I came across too assertive as before I’d been more submissive. My partner of 17 years had stepped more into her masculine I suppose to balance the equation. Only until I really stepped up with my arms outstretched, my heart wide open and my focus on my partner, could a change take place. My partner, she burst out crying and laid in my arms and said ‘I want to soften, I want u to be my rock, I don’t want to be this strong masculine role.’ With tears in my eyes, My sense of masculinity grew bigger than the room and her feminine qualities were supported to shine and bask. It’s all a balance. My partner was always considered a strong woman, which I love. So much so that she asked me to marry her. So after 17 years together, I decided it was time for me to ask her to marry me. This was very very well received by us both. An open heart is the key.
Hi Jamie,
I also struggled a bit with your blog, unfamiliar with your work I received via FB. I found myself largely perplexed by some of your views which suggest the ultimate expression of ‘man’ is to be a sponge of sorts to his female counterpart. Agreeing with some of the previous comments here and being of a particular generation (born in the 70’s) i’ve been profoundly aware of women’s ‘needs’ throughout my life. My mother virtually raised me and my siblings as a single mum.
I feel as though our culture is fixated on this concept of patriarchy as being something that is the cause of ALL our problems and the notion that man has yet another seemingly monumental task of ‘discovering who he really is’ or ‘returning to his true state’ or ‘being a heart mountain’, women are nodding their heads at this and yet ‘as a man myself’ I’m thinking ‘how do you know what it means to be a man?’ Who gave you the rule book by which you are checking off?
Does everyone think that man is some kind of monolithic beast completely revelling in the downfall of our planet? Take another look please? At your partner! Your ex! Your father! Your son! If you can’t see examples of love, devotion, empathy, patience, kindness, perseverance, determination, ingenuity, gratitude and selflessness, then perhaps the you need to change your circumstances. We are ALL in need of reflection at this point in time. Personally my life is NOT an example of patriarchal standing and never has been.
Yes we’ve been away, absent, at war, building, building, building. We are powerful and I believe deeply caring and wise and we are trying to find our way I suggest that women also try to find their way as well. As somebody mentioned before – back to the garden. We have interests that go well beyond sex, industry and money.
Fatherhood for most of the men I meet is the greatest most beautiful thing we have because we give to it solely from a space of love. The smile on our children’s face as we walk in the door, the joy of laughter from a good tickling, wrestle or comforting the tears as they fall are treasures that I personally hold very gently in my heart.
We all need to grow up! Not just men! And everything needs to be re-thought and re-perceived.
Kindly,
Phil
Well said Phil. I too was raised with a great awareness of the needs of the many women in my life – my mother, sisters, grandmother, friends, etc…, while too having good men in my life. Often in trying to do the “right” thing, there was no alternative presented to me as a young male. There were many voices to telling me what the “ideal” males should be however not many of these voices were male. Often I was left puzzled by a merry-go-round of solutions that when applied had little effect. The feeling of being lost, needing to discover who I really am, etc… is one that should not be limited to only males. Given the changing circumstances faced by both men and women, perhaps the best path for all is to create a new paradigm in which to create a holistic approach for the benefit of all…
p.s. As for fatherhood your nailed that one perfectly. Being a father, a step-father and a foster-father is borne truly from a space of love and nothing more.
If I may say something to this…
Speaking to my own experience and wishes in my own life; its not that men can’t have need, in fact its a human trait we all share. In speaking clearly what you need and want, as a woman I can listen and honor what I hear with the same awareness I wish a man to offer me. Its been difficult in the area of verbal communication at times, having a desire to understand what a man needs when he can’t speak his need, or in fact feels as though he’s not being a man if he does. I could help him find whats going on inside if he were to share the difficultly in knowing where he is at. To this point then it becomes that he sees himself as vulnerable’ in his unknowingness’ and for me to see him in that vulnerability goes right to the core of his being and he may run away.. not to hurt me, but because in that moment he sees himself in his feminine aspect; just longing as a woman would, for understanding.. a human trait in all, both men and women.
I would wish as Jamie has identified in this blog, that men could do well to learn with the guidance of other men how to open to themselves in vulnerability and then take this into the space between themselves and the women in their lives. This is the gift’ the woman here speak about. Thank you to every man here.. we journey together. xx Liat
Jamie, I was unaware of your work before today… this piece brought tears of resonance and recognition. This journey into the shadow of the distorted masculine and feminine to discover True autonomy and balance is so sacred, complex, beautiful, painful, simple, sensual, visceral… essential to our individual evolution and to that of the collective consciousness. Thank you for your voice, passion and willingness to be on this Path.
With Heart,
Molly
Nicely said Molly and Kim.
I will speak with my heart…yes please! THAT kind of man is exactly what I’m seeking and always have sought. Sending a big love WOOOOOSH to your work and projects. May they expand and permeate!
Only thing missing from all of this conversation is the real world. The world of social conditioning, work and commitment, family law and social policy, which is the environment that our personal expectations are constrained in. I have raised two children to become loving, caring, functional adults. All of that time I was the income earner and most of that time i was a solo parent. I kept other adults out of my life because their wants and needs did not complement those of my children. I also kept them out because family law and social policy would allow them to destabilize the what I was committed too. When social researchers and law makers assess my life, they conclude that it is a life of power and privilege, that should be curtailed, yet to me, it has been a life of hard work, personal sacrifice, submission and for extended periods of time, forced extreme financial constant, that will effect the rest of my life.
I am a man and if they don’t like what they see, it’s their problem because I am happy with me.
Guys, as they say:- Before you diagnose yourself with low self esteem or depression, first, make sure you are not surrounded by bastards. Do what makes YOU proud and be proud of who you are.
Rene,
The real world is you and me. It’s always been down to the ripple effect… ppl like those that come here to speak the unspoken and put into practice what can be the norm in coming generations. I can see myself as a pioneer in this step of evolution because for me, my life experience isn’t something I must study in order to teach, it’s only what comes naturally to my soul’s path out of living my everyday. Ppl experience something out of my willingness to be honest, they get to ask themselves then..’what do I believe and feel about gender roles, my place in a relationship as woman/man, do I close my heart to connection with myself and a plethora of other questions that can ever only serve to awaken consciousnesses. xx
Dear Jamie, LOVE this! Great to read that more and more men are becoming conscious and are waking up to the facts that you are describing. I’m so happy to read this. I fully support your work! Keep it up and expand! Thank you so much for sharing!
Cheeky plug for any men who want to explore these themes…great to see this dialogue ripple out. Bless you Jamie and everyone who has the courage to wrestle with such a charged topic. https://www.facebook.com/events/565233886883587/
Um. No thanks. The idea of “melting into someone’s arms” is ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate the conversation that this post hopefully engenders. It’s an overdue conversation. But I find it simplistic. You do realize that the Pied Piper used his instruments to mindlessly lead the mice out of the town? That it was a form of collective hypnosis? I don’t think you’re advocating mass hypnosis, mass conversion to this supposedly softer male state? The conversation you wish to cultivate is infinitely more subtle than you intimate. One of the commenters suggested that she cannot wait to relinquish her “maleness” so as to get back to baking and being creative. Please. To find a balance, to “fix” the dialogue-we are going to need creative people of both sexes. Strong, creative people who embrace differences, who embrace new ideas, are brave enough to see beyond the supposed male/female construct and “create” a new world. I’d like to see a female construction worker visiting a male owned bakery for her cup of Joe in the morning.
http://www.nectaroflife.co.uk/sex-2/romeo-romeo-where-the-fck-are-you-romeo/
If I think of myself and respond to the point of woman in the masculine energy.. I am woman, but I often feel masculine. That wasn’t what I was born in.. it was taught into me by my experiences and the need to protect myself. My heart is very feminine and I’m in the process of growing my body towards it. A strong man in my eyes, holds his own energy with no apology, gently offering it up to a woman and inviting her in with no expectations. It says’ I see you’ and leaves space. Giving, but in return keeping open to receiving from her and showing himself in who he is as a human being. He understands the benefits of having emotions and practices self care by naming them in a space with awareness. Allows them safe expression so they don’t overwhelm and expects the same from me. Challenges me to grow by being honest with me when I’ve hurt him in someway and holds space for my energy while I work through to a resolution. Knows I am the only one who can fix ME and trusts I will. Being brave and a protector is an attractive trait, but he must understand his own limit and seek my support too when he is in need. In this, I’ll open my body to him so he can witness my feminine expression.
That the author of the above article assumed to speak on behalf of what women want and constantly refers to women as ‘they’ is an exercise in the type of paternalistic othering that we know has been happening since, at the very least’, the origins of ancient Greek society.
I think he could do well to read Simone de Beaviour’s ‘The Second Sex’. I would suggest that he may also consider the notion that true change comes from within, rather than dying to change others by propagandising for the sake of self aggrandisement.
Men don’t need a stronger relationship with ‘strength and power’, they, like all humans, could benefit from stronger relationships with themselves, and all other humans, regardless of gender.
thanks, but could you just write with a bit more pomposity and a hoity toity wiggle?
lolx
… rather than trying …
Men and women are hard-wired as differently as their obvious physical variances demonstrate. Humans are perfectly designed by nature to ‘dovetail’ into one another. Men are not ‘hairy women’ nor are women ‘smooth-skinned-men’. Each plays a unique part in ensuring the survival of the species. We also contribute uniquely to the relationships we share, albeit from an often opposite perspective.
What we have in common is a heart, that functions regardless of gender, to grant compassion, tolerance and acceptance of others.
The past three thousand years has been dominated by the male psyche, which dealt with the world as it was then, by creating boundaries and fighting over them to establish dominance over their own patch and protect from outsiders and marauders. They were able to do this because they are endowed with testosterone, the hormone that drives sex and aggression. Males have on average between 10 and 100 times more testosterone in their blood at any time than women.
But the current times we are living in demand something different – a new approach. There is no more land to ‘divvy’ up, the planet is groaning under the pillage of her resources to fuel the growth that has become a glut and we no longer need might and strength to uphold a system that is informed now from the bottom up, thanks to the advance of technology (a male gift to humanity) and wants transparency instead and to share the wealth, accumulated up until now by those few who have held the reins of power.
We can’t expand outwards any longer, so the journey is now to explore the softer, feminine way of living on the planet – where we share power and resources and co-operate for the ‘common wealth’ and good of our children. This is the incoming Divine Feminine energy that is sweeping the planet right now, demanding that we lead from the heart rather than the head.
Gender differences will always be there. I love this blog because it is calling men to embrace a different way of doing things than the way they have been used to. When both men and women come into the heart, we will be there for one another. Let us not play blame games, but rather recognise that humanity is currently in a heightened phase of an evolutionary leap that will bring harmony and equality of expression for both genders. Nature’s master plan has built in contentment and higher consciousness – it occurs when filter who we are authentically, through the heart.
To read more about my rants on essential female/male differences and how they complement one another go to http://www.floweressencedeva.com
Annie, you say “Men and women are hard-wired as differently as their obvious physical variances demonstrate.”
Do you think black people and asian people are “hard-wired differently” because they have “obvious physical variances”?
You continue “Humans are perfectly designed by nature to ‘dovetail’ into one another. Men are not ‘hairy women’ nor are women ‘smooth-skinned-men’. We also contribute uniquely to the relationships we share, albeit from an often opposite perspective.”
Are gay relationships less valid than male/ female “dovetailing”?
How is technology “a male gift to humanity”? Are there no female scientists, researchers, technologists? (I know plenty.)
You mention “the softer, feminine way of living on the planet – where we share power and resources and co-operate”. Why do you equate those qualities with femininity?
Regarding “the incoming Divine Feminine energy that is sweeping the planet right now” – how are you measuring this energy?
Hi Bruce, thank you for your comments on my comment.
There is much research available now into brain differences across the genders, determined by the genderising effect of hormones on biology. This has been a topic I have researched for many years now and indeed I have written a book on the subject.
And no, I am not suggesting that black or asian people are hard-wired differently to caucasians.
ALL human beings, including animals and plants are driven by their hormonal status – hormones pre-determine physical, behavioural and emotional responses and in humans,even contribute significantly to the values systems we operate under.
This research also covers gay people and according to WHO (World Health Organisation) gay-‘dom’ is a natural biological state largely determined by the level of genderising hormones available to the foetus in the womb, where the genderisation process takes place, based on the genetic inscription.
Nature in her wisdom has intelligently designed gender differences into life to ensure the survival of the race! There is no morality around this…it is simply how it is. An opinion I hold is that perhaps the welcome increase in the gay population could be due to Nature’s intelligent design, recognising that the planet is now over-populated and hence there is no longer the need to drive survival…hence a shift away from traditional relationships and a move towards androgeny.
The Divine Feminine is a movement that is definitely on the increase. It involves coming from the heart not the head. Evidence is all around us of the swift changes coming through society (in the West) regarding for example, the questioning of existing power structures, where power is shared rather than held in the hands of the few. To read more about it please go to my blog http://www.floweressencedeva.com
Sometimes there are no words to say!
Well named Jamie!! Been musing on this sort of thing for a long time.
One of my many book ideas in progress is “Yearning to Yield: A Strong Women’s Guide to Letting Go.”
http://www.maggiekaywisdom.com
Here is my husband Pat chatting into a video camera about something similar one summer night a few years ago…
God how I wanted to hear this…..a thousand thank yous beautiful heart..xxx
Coming from Glastonbury as I do, home of a thousand Goddess’s, I still am amused at the raised eyebrows I often see in response to my request for men to be God’s. Well why not ? My God is the man you described Jamie. I go and visit him on a little fictitious white cloud I conjure up in my mind when I need a cuddle. He also Tickles my toes and I loose all sense of importance. I wouldnt mind a real one. But not all the time. That would be boring. I like the hellraising side of men too.
I cannot see much difference between my intimate relations with my male friends or my women friends. Still much to do, to clear, to learn. But yes, I would love to swap my boots for barefoot, my truck for a horse and my tools for a violin so perhaps its not a male-female thing but a masculine-feminine thing. Perhaps the masculine’s recent desire to F**k the feminine is a cry to return to the Great Mother.
But I loved your post. So beautiful. Thankyou.
Absobloodylutely Jamie, so glad you wrote this, its what has been tapping on my shoulder for a long time, I’m hungry to meet a man like this, a hunger for connection with maleness like I’ve never known before. The trouble is it goes unsated because I don’t know where to look or how to ask?
Love all the positivity around the new emerging masculinity. Let’s nurture and bless this delicate growth. Men need to redefine what it is be brave, to have the courage to be vulnerable and powerful at the same time. You are all invited to such a discussion between men and women.
REAL MEN
behaving bravely
The pop-up conference for men and women
Saturday, 16th May 10.30am – 4.30pm
Larches House, 1 Rectory Lane, Edgware HA8 7LF
(2 minutes from Edgware Underground)
Bookings: £30 early bird till 16 April
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http://www.nick-clements.com/Conferences/Conferences.html
The conference is an opportunity for men and women to witness and explore what it is to be brave in the context of modern masculinity. To step away from the macho without losing the adventurer and pioneer. To encourage men to reclaim the bravery of vulnerability, friendship, compassion and grief.
The conference will be experiential and interactive, dancing and performances, honouring the expertise in the audience, it will be a stimulus for personal journeys, and encourage you to be brave.
Interesting article and no surprise to me at all that women seem to respond favourably to it. My reservations start to come to the surface though when it seems the emphasis Is again put on the man to change – there’s not much there about how women, in my opinion, generally don’t make it that easy, except for a passing reference to women becoming more masculine – which in itself is a barrier to becoming a softer, stronger, sensitive male. It makes it very confusing to be a man in our culture with too many mixed messages.
I think there needs to be shifts within both to appreciate why we are in this situation and take some of the emphasis away from what men need to do to make it better – it would be more balanced for me if it also made some suggestions for women in relating to their men and what they might do to improve the situation. I think the concentration has been too much on what men have created – I’m not denying the truth of that – but women also have an equal responsibility in what’s being created now by becoming more masculine – maybe you could try a follow up article “Leading The Women Back To Men” with some ideas put forward as to how women might also change their approach?
Woman are changing their approach. As men see their own hearts and allow woman to really see them, it becomes safe for a woman to open. She knows where she stands with him and he can experience her in her truth.. its a flow on effect. Games in relationships are not the truth, both sexes have played them. Its happening now that men are understanding something woman have pointed to for a very long time; that personal awareness, vulnerability as a strength and self responsibility counts for a lot in establishing a long lasting connection. Consciousness is invading both sexes thank GOD; work is being done to heal the toxicity and bring about understanding.
your article made me cry 🙂 it clearly resonated with me alot. Then I read the comments. They mirrored back my own confusion to me. This subject is at the core of things. Its highly emotive, and I applaud anyone who will take it on and speak out. The thing that stands out in all the comments, for me, is the enormous strength, beauty and resilience of our collective human soul, all of us. In the face of living in a psychopathic, endemically avoidant, violent, fear driven, consumerist world, so may people, everywhere, are trying to make a difference and care. Kindness and the desire for connection survives despite it all, despite our dysfunction. I wrote a poem a few years ago, on this subject, its opening gambit was this..person first, gender second..i had become confused by and tired of the endless ‘genderisation’ of everything. We are all people. The current system, so called ‘patriarchy’ (I prefer ‘psychoarchy’), is endlessly divisive. Would I be so compliant and confused, if I was self fulfilling and whole! Through all the comments I hear a universal need to be heard, held and valued. ‘Melting into their arms’ touched me somewhere deep, the desire to feel safe and held, is huge. I am not sure if this is down to absent father syndrome though. I wonder if any men reading that also feel a deep unfulfilled need to be held, secure? the armour I created to hold myself up against that lack inside and out, is that masculine? more questions than answers..appologies for the ramble..and a massive thank you for your work. x
Please could we just say yin/yang rather than masculine/feminine. Otherwise, we get into the rather dodgy situation of saying that a man is at his truest self (ie, most ‘masculine’) when strong and a woman is at her truest self (ie, most ‘feminine’) when relational and nurturing. This would mean that a man can’t be caring except by moderating his masculinity in some way (ie, accessing his ‘feminine’ side) and a woman cant be strong except by compromising her essential ‘femininity’ (ie, by ‘borrowing’ masculine qualities). Of course, we are mixtures of qualities, but who *says* which qualities are at the so-called core of each gender? Ancient societies in the past have set up this kind of dualistic, binary model (ie, masculinity- strong/ femininity-caring) mainly because it was very politically convenient. But it’s not necessarily *true* in some universal, now-and- always sense. In fact, many spiritual teachers highlight the unfortunate tendency we have to turn the labels we use as a matter of convenience into things that are fixed and unchangeable: we fixate and concretize reality which, by contrast, is basically fluid. So let’s say instead that men and women are composed of different proportions of yin ( caring etc) and yang (strength etc) in a completely * random * way, rather like being brown or blue-eyed. Thus, there is no *necessary* connection between masculinity and yang-ness (say). Some men will be yang and others wont, in the same way that some will be fair-haired and some dark-haired.
Feel resistant to this post? How about just recognising how strongly our fearful minds want to make our ‘labels’ about the world ultimately ‘true’ in a final sense and so put some reassuring ground under our feet. Perhaps then, we might get more men in childcare as they dont have to defend some spurious and arbitrary notion of ‘masculinity’ and women can claim their full work entitlements in the boardroom without feeling they’re abandoning an equally dubious notion of ‘femininity’. Have compassion for and release the inherited, unquestioned mindset…😊❤
Whilst I respect the sentiment behind this article in terms of striving to deepen our connection with each other, there are several aspects I find problematic: 1) The lack of analysis or acknowledgement of structural patriarchy within this article. 2) I felt sad and angry upon reading sweeping statements like ”My recent conversations and workshop sessions with numerous women have left me in no doubt that the women want their men back in their true maleness.” How on earth can you be sure about what 51% of the world wants? I find this use of language very dangerous. 3) Using masculine and feminine as short hand to describe emotions and ways of being does in some way imply that those emotions and ways of being are associated with a specific gender or are done better by one gender than another. Rather than being energies accessible to all people at all times. Focusing on gender binaries can be difficult for queer or non binary people. Some people don’t feel comfortable saying or using those terms at all as they feel very alienated from them and see them as socially/patriarchy constructed concepts, and not as a part we all have inside us. I know many others who are frustrated by these things I have touched on. I would love it if you could make an effort to get out of your echo chamber and educate yourself on issues of allyship: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dg86g-QlM0
‘I would love it if you could make an effort to get out of your echo chamber’ please take your aggression elsewhere
women also have to partake in the trust being established. Women also have a shadow side that often they do not admit to, and I have yet to see the equality in services that support men in similar situations of violations and in vulnerabilities that our western culture identify mostly as a womans issue. Alot of issues are not spoken about enough, or identified and as a result Women do not own that there are women being abusers, aggressors and not compassionate to men. Until they do, women will not get their men back!
This is Music to my ears…
As the Co founder (with my beautiful partner Simon) of a start up initiative called Love Care Connection I am so happy to read your words. Simon and I have started a gathering called Together, working on the principle of communities and the balance and harmony of the masculine and feminine. I am passionate about the need for us to come together to move forward into the new paradigm.There is a lot of support for women and I see many groups of men supporting each other too and this is great, but we need to work on the thread that weaves these two beautiful groups Together.. Not as a mass… but of a harmonious dance of masculine and feminine.
Much love and Togetherness.
Fiona 💙💖
Hi Jamie!
Thank you for this piece. It resonates deeply. I am a woman who works with women, mainly in women circles and who longs to work with men and women in sacred container.
I am curious about this paragraph:
“I’ve purposely experimented when spending time with women recently. My intention has been to hold the masculine core in how we relate, being strong and present for them, just for 20 focused minutes, to represent and embody that pure, steadfast maleness.”
What did that practically look like? Did you just sit and hold space?
thanks – pls email me jamiecatto@mac.com
The beat goes on! The conscious individual may note the patterns. We all experience life as it occurs and as we mature. Our younger self has certain experiences and insights, which are carried and processed further as we grow. From my viewpoint, men and women are far more similar than different. Focusing on the difference is a fascination for sure, and a delightful spice. Why do men feel the need to self denigrate to get the approval of women? Perhaps because they feel pressured to do so. Most of our apparent conflict is socio-political not existential. And a lot of that conflict is egoic. All drama is a conflict between false selves. I know that when we operate more consciously all beings are more loving, considerate and fulfilled.
Hi Mark, I can’t help but reply to your comment. Yes, both men and women share personhood, and, in that they are similar.
BUT we are absolutely differently biologically engineered as genderised expressions of the human species. We serve different functions to ensure the survival of the species and Nature has embedded those differences in the physical, emotional, mental and value systems of both men and women.
Nature inscripted men for genetic variation and women to carry the baton of evolution through chid-bearing. Hence the sexes are driven by different motivations.
Men aren’t required to self-denigrate to get the approval of women, as you say, but rather to understand the differences and reach out so that women can meet them on common ground. Women select their mates, not the other way around as mainstream thinking would have it! That is because women are biologically inscribed and driven by a subtle selective process to ensure they have the best mate to provide genetic superiority for their future offspring. And a man, like many animals in Nature, has to win over the woman for sexual favours…to prove to her that he is the best selection she could make. It is as simple as that!
We have been living in a consciousness for the past thousands of years that is skewed towards men being in ascendency and women being ‘of secondary importance’. It is only just over a hundred years ago that women got the vote in most countries for goodness sake!! When it is recognise that women have a right to sovereignty, equal pay, their choice in a sexual partner and voice in world affairs, then the power will shift and we will become even more aware of the differences between men and women, and rightly so. It is then that we will be ready to recognise fully and negotiate those differences to come to a mutual understanding of our differences and how those differences contribute to the well-being of BOTH sexes.