We are all so used to only showing each other a fraction of who we truly are. We’ve been trained to hide the parts of ourselves that might be perceived as weak or needy or angry or unattractive. These qualities have in the past brought us experiences of rejection and loneliness. So to avoid this risk of rejection, we edit ourselves little by little, hiding anything unattractive in us that looks like it might sabotage love and acceptance from others, until we become these crippled 30% ‘brochures’ of ourselves. We become a smaller, less authentic and a less-than-whole version of who we truly are.
Our greatest excitement is to take the journey together back towards 100%. As I risk showing you more and more of me, vulnerably and bravely letting you see parts of myself that I feel unsure about or ashamed of, I give you an invisible permission-slip to do the same. And every time we reveal another layer, we appreciate and celebrate each other’s vulnerability and beauty. Us being more and more comfortable with who we really are is the Path of Intimacy.
I want you to show me more and more of yourself and for me to feel free to show you more of myself. The journey from that 30% back towards 100% is, to me, the beauty of relationships. It’s where unity lies and it’s where the fun and freedom are to be discovered.
Tell me, what is the one thing of yourself you routinely edit out to preserve a good first impression? Please share the answer with us below, as a first step in our joint work towards reclaiming our wholeness and deeper connection with each other.
What About Intimacy weekends at http://www.jamiecatto.com/about_intimacy
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I am that is all, and a relationship provides the love in which we come to our own selves . What i still edit is saying “life is bliss” in first impressions..
I try to edit my tendency to joke, be foolish in order to be accepted in the serious world
TheWalkingGuru is so right! I used to fill the space between me and (potential or current) significant others with words, too many words. Recently (post 50) I’ve endeavored to cull those phatic conversation starters – my new golden rule is to say only a third of the casual remarks I’m thinking of saying. Let’s face it- despite what facebook thinks, not everything is truly ‘remarkable’! Memo to self- shut up and listen.
If I’m honest, I edit out most of the many things that make me vulnerable. I hide my shadow side like most people do; I’m still aware of putting on my sociable, happy persona during a first meeting, as many people do one way or another. I think we’re socialised to do that and I also think life is partly about unlearning that – I’m trying. I’m also trying to just be myself and live with the consequences of that … but my vulnerability, the soft underbelly of my life is usually edited out … for a long time.
One of the most common greetings I offer, and am offered is “Hello, how are you?”. Funny greeting really… it pretty much sets us up to immediately censor/edit our authentic selves in that moment. No matter what the true answer to that question is, I almost always say ‘Fine’ or ‘Great’ and then of course return the question and set up the other person to do the same! We have been trained to avoid depth, intimacy and authenticity right from our fist interaction with someone with this common greeting.
I agree strongly with you, Heather. Ever since I’ve been old enough to think of these things, I haven’t liked our social custom of saying “How are you?”. I feel like saying: why don’t you wait until you know me well enough to really care how I am, and therefore want to hear the real, honest answer.
I remember being very honest way back in my university years in Montreal, when people greeted me with Hello, how are you? I always found myself giving answers that reflected how I felt at the time, such as “not so good, I’m feeling down, this and that happened to me, etc…” until I realised people didn’t want to hear the truth, especially in London, they were embarrassed if I opened up. So I learned to censor myself, zip up my feelings and identity and only allow them to come out in my art work or in the company of close friends. The problem is that once you start suppressing your self expression you begin to do that in your art too, so i’m still trying to find that inner voice which once spoke freely and innocently… And I can see that process developing with my son too, how cautious he is before he allows himself to give his own opinion on something, so conscious of who is listening, and he is only 12…
I regularly edit the fact that I believe in magic and because I think people won’t take me seriously 🙂
I pretend to be much more confident in my body and myself than I actually am.
I want to live in a world where on a first date I can say “these are my three most outrageously shameful insanities. What are yours?”
Lily Tomlin once said ‘never marry anyone until you’ve had lunch with their ex-wife’
I tend to look for my self-worth from others, which is great until you stop getting along with someone, then even the little issues can be taken personally and exaggerated out of proportion. Loving yourself is an easy phrase but more difficult when you’re not sure who’s loving who.
Always hidden SELFISHNESS, NEGATIVITY, ANGER… squished and squashed until they explode out uninvited at the most inappropriate moment 🙂
certain deep insecurity
The comment Shaharazad made resonates with me. In first encounters I think I leave out my out-there/mystical/spiritual beliefs – sometimes because I think it may make people see me less seriously, sometimes because I think it can make some people angry/re-active and I want to connect with them – not put them off! this is interesting for me to contemplate right now – thank you!
Wow. This information is so real…. Now, I just need to find someone to practice with…
Maybe I should start with a relationship with myself first;-)
I tame my sarcasm. You just never know who’s going to get it – and it’s so awkward when they don’t. And if they don’t get it, I sometimes kind of give up on the rest of the conversation.
I’m generally a highly energetic and passionate person, while not wanting to wag my tail and push too much of my energy on new people, I hold it back while we are talking and getting to know each other. I feed off of others energy and intentions, and sometimes I will coy and shy into my cancerian shell, or I soften up and expose my vulnerability with intentions that a bond occurs.
i want to be honest but something stops me for being! insecurities i guess!!!
agree with banana nut: I should start with a relationship with myself first 🙂
Thank you for agreeing with me….so, does that mean I’m tying to get on the right track?
I feel so bitter and angry with people in general right now…. I’m not sure how to stop… Other than getting to know myself again… That’s not only tough for me but scary.
I have so many answers I could write a book. but yes, this post resonates with me deeply and since reading it I started thinking about it in relation to all people/relationships I have been in contact with all day. whether it is my friend, my teacher, my shop assistant, my housekeeper……and the answers are all so diverse. it informed me how different I show up in those various relationships.
I edit out the bit where I’ve haven’t done enough because I’m always thinking I haven’t done enough and that it means I slacked off aww gawd silly meaning making machines we are..
The old “I’m not good enough” loophole…
Know that one so well. After all the lessons and self control, it stills likes to show me it still is king…sigh.
hey! come on a Transforming Shadows – Unleash Your Creative Genius workshop with me and tell EVERYONE ELSE they’re not good enough 🙂 places at http://www.jamiecatto.com
I don’t know how to describe it as a part of myself, but I know I edit out me. The me that only feels safe to come out in workshop settings or when I’m in bed by myself, tucked in at night just before sleep or first thing in the morning or walking through the forest or doing something privately that I love (e.g. puzzles). Around people or broader public settings, the ‘me’ that I’m referring to doesn’t appear, rather this autopilot of behaviors designed to fit in and be congenial comes out.
thank you, yes, who am I when I’m not imagining or projecting opinions about myself into the minds of others?
Oops censor;-)
I edit out my tendency towards melancholy and instead project warmth. I edit my anger and project calm acceptance. I edit my shyness and project boldness. I edit feelings of fear and not being ‘good enough’, prejudice and intolerance, jealousy and insecurity. I could go on and on and on…
[…] can see the full discussion on Jamie’s blog as well as register for the upcoming workshops which also appear in the Qind calendar with fixtures […]
I edit the part of me that gets over excited as I’m having more and more unadulterated fun
In spite of my current achievements and good health, I currently have a deep sense of loneliness, insecurity and a hunger for silent companionship and falling asleep in someones arms. It is obvious to me that I am allowing my poor skills in the local language to be an obstacle to engaging with others, and I tend to hide [though not lie about] my age (45) and my gammy walk for fear of ageist and physical rejection. People generally don’t see my introvertedness, but I suspect they’re well aware of my deeper longings.
I’m too afraid of difficult feelings to go near them. This is causing problems. At 50 it’s starting to feel too hard to undo it and too many feelings now backed up make it worse and worse
perhaps take a step back, little by little, start with one small example
Thank you. It’s nice to speak and get a reply.
Wow. I’m amazed all the responses here and heartened by this post. After years of being a victim and well-socialized demure woman who panders to power, I’ve recently discovered a well of rage inside me. Sexually abused, manipulated, and taken advantage of, in part, because of victim-identified thinking on my part has led me to a place of rupture. The shadow-side indeed. I’m new at my anger and my voice. It’s a lot of falling and making mistakes at the moment – and the victim in me is scared. Scared of doing wrong, being wrong, and fucking up. But this new part of me that is emerging is strong. And intimacy is not just about letting others see me and enhancing my connection with others – as a survivor, I have long been divided within myself. So, it’s also about building a type of intimacy with myself….
I edit the scared girl who wants to be liked , who wants to be loved, who wants to be respected and protected and instead present the world with Stacey the Warrior. I am Sorter of All Things, the brave battler who fights all the fights, whether big or small. I laugh in the face of monsters and defeat them single handedly. I carry my family on my broad shoulders and defend them from all who would hurt them. All I really want is to show someone the scared girl and for them to love me, even like me. Instead I make people scared. I intimidate them. I scare and intimidate myself as well. Like Danielle up there ^^ I have a fractured sense of self for much the same reasons and have hidden from intimacy with myself all my adult life. Intimacy frightens the shit out of me. I wasn’t protected by my parents so subsequently determined to protect myself at all costs and as a result I’ve also managed to protect myself from being loved.
Jamie – I came to your talk at Sunrise and when you told us we had to look into someone’s eyes I nearly left. I felt sick with fear, though no-one would have seen it ( I heckled you about custardy nipples if I remember correctly) All people were being presented with until that point was the brash, larger than life, gobby woman. Out of respect for the woman who chose me to partner her I stayed and gave it a go. It was the most powerful thing I’ve ever done. I have never in all my 47 years connected with another human being (who wasn’t my child/grandchild) in that way. It blew me away. It has left me in a place where I know I have the choice of staying wrapped up in my armour or letting a chink of light in and possibly letting the armour fall away.
I won’t lie and say it’s wonderful, it’s a very scary place to be right now and I seem to be pushing people away even more than before.In other ways I’m being brave and putting my work out into the wider world. I’m facing some rejection but I don’t feel as bad about this as I would have done in the past. I have a feeling that it’s in some part due to allowing that woman to look right into me and receiving nothing but love and acceptance back from her.
I also edit out the ill me. I have CFS/Fibromyalgia and instead of saying ‘I can’t do that’ I bludgeon my way through the day and make myself ill. Worra nob.
how beautiful for you to be so open and raw, you give everyone permission to be open too – please join us on one of the weekends
I edit out how frightening intimacy can be for me – how exposed and vulnerable I can feel. When I deny my fear it grows until either I regain awareness or go into flight / fight. If I lose awareness then I tend to think I’m angry, disppointed or somehow being treated unfairly! Expressing this usually solves the intimacy problem pretty quickly – unfortunately! When I manage to stay really present and connect with myself honestly I experience an inner intimacy and vulnerability that can be quite painful but is also rich and humbling, in a being human kind of way for me.
Instead of turning away which I might do when faced with something that bothers me, I will this time express my concern here (not avoiding the potential for intimacy): Why is there an advertisement for MacDonalds on this page?????
My real opinon.
i dont know what i edit out and i suspect that is part of my editing
Spanish chica
I edit the ever present powerful amazon woman, so that people won´t think I´m too big for my boots; I edit my passions – I pretend to have just as many problems as others, identifying with “the recession” as an an excuse not to excel in my work; I make out that it´s just a coincidence that I am listening to my intuition, knowing what is really going on with others, just in case they think I am deliberately probing their inner being; and of course I edit the soft vulnerable parts of my being that actually DO want To Be Seen and accepted for who I Truly am. Is fear of intimacy fear of the true self?
fear of Intimacy is mostly fear of the true self not being received, appreciated, loved
I’m just learning to be centered and FEEL open and safe around people, I have to remind myself I’m safe all the time. I may have to observe what I’m editing. Thank you Jamie, learning to really live in the moment and be with other people sounds really nice.
wow stacey guthrie, you have blown me away with your descriptions of what is going on with you. I think you have written about me as well as yourself. I do want to go on one of Jamie’s workshops especially about getting to know me and find who I really am. Sorry to hear you have CFS check out lightning process – it worked for my daughter and she’d had it for 4 years! Love and light to you all.
I never edit myself, that’s why I’m not so popular, I have just 5 friends, I don’t use facebook or tweets. I like to face up my life just the way I am, with God and my familiy by my side. (my english is hopeless, I hope you understand what I wrote)
I edit the not-so-nice girl; the one who tells the truth, the whole truth even when it hurts and spares no details. I edit the naughty girl who wants to be free to do as she pleases at all times and under any situations.
I edit my anger, my impatience, my judgement about myself and others. And I’ve been experimenting with really telling the truth about myself to my partner and it’s freed up lots of energy. Baby steps. Jamie, do you know the book Real Love?
Hahahah …. this is such an interesting thread!
When I moved to the UK I usually was greeted like this: “Good morning, how are you?” and I initially answered telling the truth with a sweet German accent, believing it was a real question, until I realized that no one wanted to hear more than “Thanks, I´m fine. What about you?” Later in Argentina and Brasil it was the same.
In any country I have lived in so far, I have been trained to say: “I´m fine,” …. but I have not always stuck to the rules …. only recently I learn not to give away private sides in me, my vulnarability, to people that do not do the same.
Sad isnt it?
Addition: I have always openly shown so much of me, that many people got intimidated by my “power” and openness (like a Amazona type of woman) or they missused it and crossed limits too fast missinterpreting my openness as an invitation to intimacy. That is painful.
Also some missinterpret me as extremely self asure, and I always wondered why noone can see that I am just a little curious big-hearted girl and that what I show is real…..
Now I have understood a lot, Thanks Jamie!!!
Hi,
Well, im not sure where to start….
1: I have lost the inability to put on a front anymore… I think in my older age I have become more jaded and hateful….
2: I’m pissed at how far I have let my life spiral out of control.
3: my mind races– won’t stop– I can’t complete a full sentence without jumping from one to another
4: I’ve had some tramatic things happen to me and my two precious little boys. ( it is my fault what happened) but that was 10 months ago.
5: due to this what little family I had left—just dropped me like a boiling hot potato. The only person that talks to me now is my dad some (which we have never been close) ….
6: I’ve alienated myself from my friends due to them all being married with children and hanging out with there married friends or tight families..
7: now, that I look back. I have always felt this way in life…. Pushed to the side.
8: people are constantly talking about me and how crazy I am…. I’m 41— isn’t that a little old for that. I feel as though I never grew up.
9: my whole family is against me; my neighbors and I no longer speak.
10: I lost a court case thurs 16th due to a poor lawyer after a $3,000 retainer fee. Which $800 was just in phone calls!!!! And I lost because of the judge thought I was lying about a drug test; to find out there was a TYPO IN THE REPORT!!!!! But the case is over now—
Now I gotta wait for new trial!!!
11: found out tonight. My half sister D- FRIENDED ME!! We don’t speak much– so why would she do that???
12: I’m just really super sad. My boys are around their dad and his family who are not the most kindness people out there…. Their father is only using them to get to me— and it’s sick– and the childrens father’s step mom and dad are wanting child support from me — $890 a month!!! I don’t mind taking care of my children— but I’m not planning on the children staying there— the so called grandparents doesn’t want them and threaten to put them into the system or me give temporary cust rights to their verbal abusive dad who talks to them like they are 14-15 years old!! The boys are 3-5!!!
13: I feel so alone and that I just don’t fit in and I’m to exhausted to want to try to get better.
I use to do yoga, pottery, stained glass, kayaking, hiking, meditate, eat super healthy, etc…..
Now, that was just way to much info…. But I’m so frustrated with the court system; lawyers; people making errors on very important info…
JUST TO MUCH!!!! I just want to go around and punch certain people—
What has happened to me— I don’t even remember how to put on a first impression. Anymore— I’m just miserable to start with– and who wants to be around that??? Not even me…