When I get severely triggered and lose it, start acting out and behaving in a way I later regret, it’s so compelling that I seem to totally forget myself. Then, when the stormy waves of drama have subsided and I’m back to myself again, whether I’d been swept away by a panic attack, a rage reaction or a jealousy trauma, once it’s over I can hardly remember what it felt like. I find it really hard to even connect to the ‘me’ I was then, only hours before. It’s so easy to feel shame and doom at those moments and even hate myself for slipping so completely into that unconscious ‘acting-out’ state again.
It’s as if the crazy full moon of wounding had come out from behind a cloud and I’d suddenly turned into a Werewolf, totally unaware of who I really am. Then later, after the rampage of destructive or violent behaviour subsided I had found myself with my clothes in rags and those around me upset or scared, or my inner, angry villagers climbing the hill towards me with pitchforks.
It’s so important at this time to turn towards the Sun, the warmth of forgiveness and understanding and be around others who forgive and understand too.
No matter how often we fall, let’s never forget our basic innocence and the innocence of those around us.
Easy does it. Don’t add self harm or judgement to the episode. Today is a new day. We need gentleness.