I just created this facebook group SANCTUARY FOR TERROR because I sometimes suffer in extreme terror and lonely despair, sometimes at night, and sometimes it’s overwhelming. I’ve found that certain friends, some who I have added there, really help me root myself in reality, in good sense, in self love at these times. I often wish there was a place that for 24 hours a day I could go to and receive that love, along with my own self love, not instead of it. Maybe others would like a place like this too. Who knows? Maybe you or I might come here in the middle of losing it, maybe in the middle of the night and someone else might be here to help remind you or me to love myself. They might offer a hand, a branch, a reminder, a moment of stillness, or even just a friend to chat to or sit with while it transforms.
Today I opened myself to the idea, while I was being loved and helped by my friend Clare, that this could transform. These periods of overwhelming meltdown COULD be a route towards the usual terrified reactions lessening. I’ve never even allowed in the idea that this could be a path to transformation. I hear the words but am so so locked in ‘no no no no’ and gasping and shaking and imagining horrifying loops of some scenario that isn’t even happening in this moment. But even the IDEA of what might happen is killing me, terrifying me, suffocating me, making me puke sometimes. And the reaction in my body has been so overwhelming for so many years that I’ve believed it will ALWAYS be like this.
But maybe it won’t. Maybe I’m a different man who experiences this each time. And each time there are different possibilities. Clare says that for her, loving herself in it and reminding herself that nothing is actually happening right now, she’s still here, sitting in a chair, breathing – this can really be helpful.
Also, there’s something beautiful in making a pledge to myself that I will not abandon myself. I will be the one that loves myself, loves this terrified shaking boy even if there’s no one else around, even if everyone has left or is unavailable. I am available to love myself, talk soothingly to myself and know that it will pass. Even if it takes hours, it never goes on forever.
This is a new WILLINGNESS TO TRANSFORM and to believe it’s even a possibility – it might be slow, just tiny bit by tiny bit, but if I allow this new attitude of willingness and meet the terror when it comes in these ways, I have witnesses that have done this and reported back that they are freer, and that the agony and despair does get weaker. And sometimes it’s not slow, sometimes it’s instant. There are no rules.
So I’ve created this group SANCTUARY FOR TERROR to be with each other in this transformation, sometimes to discuss it when feeling fine, and sometimes to come and write and be supported when the clouds gather, or even in the middle of a melt down.
And here I am again, shaking slightly less as I write this, gasping slightly less, some loneliness in my solar plexus…shivering a little…something is moving…
…if this feels like something that could support you, please come to the Sanctuary any time you like.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/sanctuaryforterror/
Jamie's Blog 
Hi Jamie,
I’m sorry to hear that you have those middle of the might moments of terror and what a great idea to start a ‘sanctuary of terror’ which I will certainly check out. I have also been through some extreme anxiety and dark nights of the soul so I can relate to that! Maybe we will bump into each other there some time night.
I have a blog http://worryfreelife.net that I have set up to help people recover from fear and anxiety. My story is on there and you may relate to it. I also a Facebook group that you may want to check out as well https://www.facebook.com/worryfreelife
I believe that these feelings, if you allow them, ARE a path towards transformation and they certainly have been for me. Much love to you Jamie. x
No joke Jamie, that is the terror I feel at going on a workshop…to come face to face with myself, I’m finding it hard to love myself, and thus feel the fear that no-one could love me or hold me….even now I have palpitations and hyperventilating writing this….I put my efforts in trying to empathise with others as then I don’t have to face myself. I would love a sanctuary where I could sit. I admire your courage in writing this, and offer a hand to hold while you suffer the terror. May we all learn to be there for each other.x
How brave and beautiful! You really are quite special…so thanks for being you x
Jamie,
I am so delighted to come across your blog – it was forwarded by a friend. It seems we walk similar paths, our topics of interest coincide hugely…. I write books and blogs on creativity, bipolar, sex, taboo emotions, transformation at http://www.dreamingaloud.net/ and http://thehappywomb.com/ not trying to free advertise, just to connect, and say that I hear you and see you and feel where you’re at. I have been clawing my way through anxiety and transformation this past couple of weeks as I launch my biggest creative project to date, and have been writing about it on Dreaming Aloud.
Your name sounded familiar so I Googled you and saw you are one of the founding members of one of my favourite bands in the world…your music is a truly spiritual experience.
Anyway… I wish you courage, strength and love to see you through the dark nights of terror – hold on to the fact that on every side of a breakdown is a breakthrough, it is simply the cracking of the shells of who we thought we were into who we are. Its hard and scary every time – well done for remembering that you are not alone in it, and in connecting with others to hold you – and be held, in the midst of the darkness. x
You started the Sanctuary for Terror group, strangely, the day after I confided in a friend that the reason I have opened up about my past to potential partners maybe ‘too soon’ is that I lash out in the night, quite frequently, without knowing, if I am touched, or just randomly. Sometimes it passes and I’m still sleeping, sometimes I wake up, either way I wake up exhausted most mornings. It is a big scare-off for most guys. It rules my life. I’ve been single for 7 years. I’d really like to be close to someone again one day, though it’s easier to just be on my own. I have also found that drinking a bit at night knocks me out, if I ‘pass out’ rather than ‘go to sleep’ then I’m less likely to wake up. Going to sleep is really difficult. So thank you for starting the group, I’m a private person when it comes to how I feel and what scares me, I definitely do not bear all on Facebook, so I don’t know how likely I am to bear my soul in the shaky panic of hushtime terror (it’s quite weird writing this when I know people will see now), but thank you, it’s quite a comfort to see how many people have joined the group, and to realise I’m maybe not as bigger freak as I have led myself to believe. x