The Vulnerability of Penetration

It stands to reason that in love-making, on the surface at least, it is the woman, ‘the penetrated one’, who holds the vulnerability. After all, having a man push himself into your most sacred and sensitive opening is about the most surrendered and yielding experience one can imagine. So it’s understandable that while women are in the ‘receiving’ role sexually, and are also usually less physically strong than their male partners, the vulnerability is held by the women. I’d like to connect with you deeper in this vulnerability and share something I haven’t spoken about before.

It is extremely vulnerable for us men to be the ‘penetrator’ too. As much as we work on raising our sensitivities and empathy to women, unless we enjoy our own anal penetration, we don’t know what it’s like to be ‘pushed into’. Today, the social climate around men’s sexuality includes a lot of past trauma from abusive and violent sex or just insensitive or immature men of previous generations who had no clue what they were doing to their women. Today’s women bear the scars of past, male-dominated, unfeeling sexual experiences and it has only been very recently that the law and society’s moral compass has even acknowledged a woman’s right so say “No” even in the middle of sex and even if she’s married to the man she’s having sex with. Unbelievably, still, in most countries there is no law against a man raping his wife. She has no legal right to refuse him and no legal protection if he rapes her. Even in USA and UK the law has only been passed to protect married women in the last 50 years or so, and across Asia and Africa they think I’m crazy to even bring the subject up.

So the idea that men could be the vulnerable ones in love-making may sound puzzling at first. But I want to express that as a man, carrying the burden of women’s often negative expectations and the ever-felt sexual wounds of all mistreated women of the past, creates a very unique and sensitive vulnerability of it’s own – for the men. Perhaps it could be likened to German grandchildren of the Nazis who themselves played no part in the abuses of WW2 but in the post war decades couldn’t help being tarred by the same brush and unjustly carrying some of the guilt and rejection.

Men carry the shame of our abusive, sexually incontinent forefathers and we don’t want to bring that trauma into the bedroom any more. It’s in the way of us having incredible, heart-bursting sex with you.

Today, if you are man with any degree of sensitivity, it is a vulnerable thing to penetrate a woman. I don’t want to abuse you, trigger you into past trauma or in any way mistranslate your wants or needs. I would hate to accidentally touch you in a way that jarred you or misread your passion. So, if you notice my hesitancy or any held-back-ness, please do not translate this as any lack of desire on my part. I may be waiting for a clearer invitation.

Women, please invite us clearly and unmistakably to make love with you. Only when we are certain that your invitation is wholehearted and clear can we melt into devotional service to your pleasure. We need to be total, unbridled by doubt, to allow the strength of our male physicality to take you. We want to explode you into light and usher you to the door where you can dissolve into pure sex with the Big Spirit – in the field that is beyond us both, but until we are certain that Your invitation is total, we can’t surrender to giving you our gifts fully.

Your vulnerability is my vulnerability. Let’s melt deeper into it together and heal the past traumas with our love-making.



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  1. Wow Jamie, this is really interesting and raw, I’m a bit bowled over and don’t really know what to say except thank you for writing, and so eloquently, such an important piece.

  2. Jamie, this is very moving. I love what you have written here. My heart is now bursting – with the recognition, the hope, the grief. And how I recognise my partner in these words: “I don’t want to abuse you………we can’t surrender to giving you our gifts fully.”
    Thank you for revealing him more through you. For your open, tender, masculine self, that others hold rather than put into words xx

  3. Thanks for writing that Jamie. Important to have said it and contribute to the new way of being. x

  4. I have been following your blog for sometime. I am not an abused woman,but a female in a strange situation in her life. In many ways but including sexually. My heart is warmed that there are men like you in the world that can articulate the way you feel. Communication is key in relationships…new and established…when this is lost everything falls apart. I need to establish my trust in men again….there is a long road ahead…and one I have been down before,this time different, now a single mum with two kids after a fifteen year loyal relationship. Every human is unique …everyone’s needs are unique. You are brave to be part of the voice of a new generation of males. Thankyou for writing and sharing your thoughts.x

  5. Brilliant writing – lovely that you open these experiences and themes in such a natural way!

  6. And, am lucky enough to have presently and have had in the past, relationship with a sensitive man and continue to traverse the territory you describe so eloquently from your own experience.

    I’d be interested in your/a male, take on the same theme of penetration and vulnerability with oral sex. I find that the few women friends with whom I hold this conversation, have varying experience and reasons for enjoying, or not, less or more intimate, less or more control, a sense of bestowing rather than receiving the privelege and so on…….I imagine there’l be as much variety for the person with the penis, my sense is that it seems to hold an enormously powerful ………..i’m not sure what…. something for the men I know, tho it hasn’t been discussed outside of the unfolding of the event!

    • Hello Parrydocs 🙂 Your question about “penetration and vulnerability with oral sex…” is very interesting, too. To me, that is a very beautiful and intimate, heart-opening act to kiss a vulva with tender lips, circling around the clit with my tongue, then entering the vagina with it. It’s purely magical! The same is true when someone else (most of the time a woman, rarely, a man) caresses my penis, this my most male, most precious and most vulnerable part with their lips and tongue. I mostly don’t really enjoy that ‘deep throat’ thing, though, it feels to me like ‘fucking’ against ‘making love’. Being loved and swallowed orally to me ist a sign of mutual love and trust. Hope you’re still getting this comment, four years after your original post… Love and Freedom, Thomas

  7. Exceptional submission about physical relation between a man & woman ..As per Indian laws ,if a man copulates with his wife against her wishes & she makes a protest in writing before police/law authority ,,he is to be punished.

  8. Funny how many woman reply up here. That shows the sensitivity about this subject. Oh yes I totally understand what you are talking about as a man. The male sexualy energy is often related to violent, agressive, childabuse etc. And yes, it would be so helpfull for us when the women would invite us clearly and unmistakably. Although, for us men it would be so good not to hold back on that precious energy and start to be clear and unmistakable too. Get rid of the oh so sensitive man, who does understand the women so well and sucks them out via the backdoor. Please no, lets get clear all.
    We all, men as women, are wounded in this place and as long as we wait for the other sex to heal us, nothing fundamental will happen because. I personal think we have to change the direction of that energy from destructive to creative where we have to seperate the powergame from making love. So lets help eachother to give eachother permission to be a sexual being, soft and sensual , wild and hot, full of love and lust, including the biological need to reproduce.
    Thanks Jamie for putting this up. I just so the movie “Jagten”. To speak about sexual labels on men. And thanks to everybody who has replied too.
    I am looking forward to the men´s workshop I will lead next weekend.

  9. Jamie, it’s so good to come across men writing this stuff. I’ve been blogging for quite some time now and notice that many women write about sexuality and intimacy, and many less men. I like David Deida’s work but really struggle with his premise that women need to teach men to open their/your hearts. For me, that contracts women into the ‘soft healer’ role and we are often so much more than that. It also gives us yet another responsibility to carry! I love what you’ve written here, it is well balanced and avoids those gender traps. Thank you!

  10. Jamie, this is so moving and touching to read as a woman. I never thought about it this way for a man. Thank you so much for sharing this. I am sure it will help me when I meet my beloved.

  11. We do live in a society where sex is still taboo… Why are the boys not shamed in this article? The girl is still the one shamed here in this story… The guilt is still passed onto the female shamed and called the slut & the one being called into the pricipals office… Really enjoyed your blog post of penetration… Somewhere we did read something funny that Betty White might have once said about the yoni and how tuff & sensitive it is…Being the grandson of a german did bring us closer to your story… The one thing about those Germans is that we love being naked in nature… We love our british neighbors… Even a close buddie Brumas jokes that he got me to claybar his minx.. The nickname for his car… Not all Nazis were bad… We have grown to focus on the good things that the world has to offer… And when the stars align for two people to reach one point of peace in love making then a bond is formed that creates an upward draw of energy that one day got us to iron out the wrinkles of many things locked away in our closet of guilt… You can’t change what happened in the past… You can only live on from this minute to the next… Saskia & Eric

    sorry for throwing out all these thoughts it’s just how our mind thinks and how the pen or cursor puts it down into written form… managing train of thought is not easy…emotions are meant to be shared from the depths of our heart. We love you Raisa & Jaimie

  12. Thank you for the “Great Spirit” reminder & glow, particularly in this electronic age where nature & the personal religious “Art” of creation are forgotten; the body ballet & dance of the gods!!

  13. How enormously grateful I am for heaving someone articulated something I have been contemplating for many years. You read my thoughts.

  14. my current partner always asks for permission before and for me its actually a bit confusing!

    • Dear Ana, Yes, it can be confusing to be asked verbally as it intenifies the mind’s thought process while we’re in a more sensual mood. In cases when you’re really invtune with someone, ‘consent’ can also be sought and given through body language or energetic signals. Still, whether verbally articulated or signalled non-verbally, we just need to be prepared for misunderstandings despite our best intentions, open-hearted, curageous and forgiving. Then, love can flow. Love and Freedom, Thomas

  15. …beautifully put Jamie…I always love to hear a man’s perspective as I feel it helps to create so much more of a “big picture” and to facilitate balance of female/male energies for both 🙂 thank you thank you thank you

  16. Thank you for your words of immense strength and importance, Jamie.
    For myself, I decided against permitting penetrative sex several years ago, due to health concerns, my fertility, and the fact that I have never received pleasure or orgasm from it, so why pursue it? I also have long held a sense of equating being penetrated with being violated….someone entering my body….huh??!! (I wonder whether men ever consider this aspect, as you say)….even though I have not been raped in this lifetime. Clearly communicating this boundary has allowed me a lot of freedom in exploring my sexuality!

  17. Wow, powerful, direct and lovely! Great light brought to the issue of clarity in desire and intention as well…

  18. Thanks, I really liked your article and found it interesting and somehow it is bringing into light some things that I couldn’t put into words yet about how a man could feel vulnerable in lovemaking or even initiating it.

  19. Spot on Jamie – so very sensitive and allowing male vulnerability to step forward. Moved me to tears. Bless you – much needed and let’s hope all men step forward in such a very beautiful way.

  20. Beautifully written and articulated – thoughtful and sensitive. Thank-you 🙂

  21. This is so true for me as a man. Women benefit from our penetrative abilities, without it they don’t bloom into their beauty in my opinion, Hard to fully open and find yourself with a tree. Yet it is a fine line between penetration and abuse that we walk as men. I have done my own research around this. I remember asking one man, OK you’d fight any man at this festival, “YES”, you’d go to war if it was required to truly protect your country, “YES”, you’ve jumped out of planes skydiving, “YES”. Have you penetrated the women you truly love and desire, “NO, that scares me” was the response. It doesn’t serve anyone to be timid around this, women or men….. I’ve had to learn to be bold, strong, penetrative with a lot of sensitivity and awareness around whats actually happening. To be used carefully but one of the most powerful things we have as men. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater !!!!

    • Thank you, Martin! Yes, it’s time for many men to learn both! To learn “to be bold, strong, penetrative with a lot of sensitivity and awareness…” as that is “…one of the most powerful things we have”. And to learn to use that power wisely to the benefit of all, to become able to feel the difference between the woman who fears to be penetrated and the one who misses and craves for it so badly. And, to love them both, each in her own right, in her own way. That’s our power as men. Love and Freedom, Thomas

  22. It is one thing to focus on the key and the keyhole, ie. our physical differences…but is this not just symbolic of what separates men and women with regards to their emotional experience of life and sex? Rather let us discover the mutual vulnerability, support and penetration that happens on a spiritual level…the door that we attempt to unlock together is so often not the same door…when we grow in understanding and trust we can surrender to our vulnerability; knock, open, be welcoming and be received in the same place of unconditional, whole-hearted love. xmx

  23. Dear Jamie, thank you for these words. And for all the comments. Well, if it would be as easy as you wrote, things wouldn’t be how they are between men and women. If it would be so simple for a woman to invite you men clearly and unmistakably and men would just response to that in a sensitive and strong and vulnerable way… For lots of women it’s not easy to come to this point to even FEEL for themselves what they really want. If you were abused as a girl, if your mother were abused, as a girl or an adult, if your grandmother were abused and if you’re sensitive enough as a woman, if you just feel into the world or into twothousand years history, often you have no idea what you really want, not only on a sexual level, but for sure there, too. There is so much “should” and “must” and so less “want”. And now there’s a new “should”. “Be clear and unmistakable!” I remember a workshop years before, an ongoing group with Ya’Acov. We had a long session, a whole afternoon. Lyrical module. After there was a talking circle. 45 people, all very moved. Quiet still. The stick went round, everyone said some words. And then, one man, one word. “Raper”! A vibration through all the people who were sitting there. Fear, hate, incomprehention, discomfort, distance. I was really thankful to that man. In a way speaking out this word, giving a feeling inside of him this word was more incorrect than saying “murderer”. I know this feeling inside of me. I know lots of women who know the raper inside of them. “Be clear, invite us unmistakably”, that’s a great idea. And it’s a man’s wish. I personally so often feel just helpless with the whole subject. Sex, needing, wanting, getting, giving, taking, overtaking, meeting, exploring, lovig, hating, seeing, not seeing… Sinking into that helplessness helps me sometimes. Not as a formula, but as a stillpoint. Do you always know, what you want? And which part it is, that want?

    • Thank you, Julia, I love your questions and your open heart.

      “For lots of women it’s not easy to come to this point to even FEEL for themselves what they really want.”

      Yes, it’s not easy, sometimes, for both women and men. So let’s get together and share our fears and our joys, let’s learn from each other, from our joint experiences, be it ‘successes’ and ‘failures’. Let’s find a suitable wo*men’s group to realise that you don’t need to carry that burdon all alone, that you have fellow-warriors. And, when the time is ripe, let’s join a mixed group of people who’re open-hearted and welcoming, irrespective of your earlier experiences, looks, age, sex and gender. The secret is in going that way #together. Separation is an illusion! Love and Freedom, Thomas

  24. I truly enjoyed this article and through it have gained some sensitivity and also bit more courage to approach future partners without fear but with a strength that will help us gain better connectivity. Thank You.

  25. I agree that men can often feel vulnerable during sex, and this can happen whether they are “giving” or “receiving” sexual pleasure. It can sometimes be eye-opening to be reminded that man feel this way, because of the many stereotypes of men as “potential rapists” and so on.

    That said, I feel it is very important for *all genders* to be empowered around communication, stating what they do and don’t want, negotiating their boundaries and constantly giving and receiving feedback.

    So in my opinion men waiting for a clearer invitation is about as useful as women waiting for a clearer signal. Enthusiastic consent is an ongoing conversation and potentially anyone can lead, follow or switch (regardless of their gender or sexuality). True intimacy surely means not being ashamed to open up and be honest with phrases such as: “I would like you to do this” and “I would like to do this with you” and “how does this feel” and “would you like more or less of this”.

    • @Tobias, your last two paragraphs:

      I was about to post essentially the same comment. 🙂

      I am a nonbinary gender identified person (assigned female at birth) who has sex with people of multiple sexes and genders. My lovers and I do not stand on binary gender roles in regard to who does what to whom, who penetrates whom (and with what), who initiates sexual contact, or who asks for consent. I find negotiation and communication to be vitally necessary in sexual relationships. I feel that it is important for everyone involved in a sexual interaction to clearly state their wants and needs. Don’t wait for an invitation, say, “Would you like me to ___,” or “Would it be okay if I ___,” etc.

      I promise, consent is incredibly sexy, but it doesn’t need to be as one-sided as Jamie suggests.

      @Jamie Catto – EXCELLENT article. Thanks for so eloquently expressing the desire not to do any sort of harm to one’s partner, the desire to understand potential trauma triggers in order to avoid them – I know many people I have talked to have expressed these same concerns. (And my advice to them is usually what Tobias and I have said here.)

      • Thank you, makalove! Yes, we don’t need to stick to ‘roles’. It’s all about feeling ourselves and being in love with what we are and what we want. In love and respect for the men and women and everyone in between and beyond we’re with. And, in full responsibility for our own thoughts, emotions and physical actions. Love and Freedom, Thomas

    • Love it!!! 🙂 ❤
      " …men waiting for a clearer invitation is about as useful as women waiting for a clearer signal… I feel it is very important for *all genders* to be empowered around communication, stating what they do and don’t want, negotiating their boundaries and constantly giving and receiving feedback." Thank you, Tobias!

      Adding from my side: achieving consent is not necessarily a verbalised, outspoken process. It is also a lot about body language and intuitive heart communication. And: We always need to be prepared to say: "Oh, sorry, I misunderstood…", to forgive the other's misunderstanding and step back a little, so that the dance of love and affection can continue… Love and Freedom, Thomas

  26. Well, personally, the only vulnerability I have in the bedroom stems from either the anxiety that I might ejaculate before touching flesh, or, even worse, that I might not be able to ejaculate at all.

    • Dear Kenneth, Dear Fellow-Man, relax! Porn is about ejaculating, making love is not! And even if you come early, sometimes, relax! Not even an erection is required to be in physical and energetic union with a woman. Just be together and listen to your heart and your genitals, things then grow on their own. We can see that in our workshops and retreats time and again: the more we men do relax, the more intense the feeling gets for everybody involved. Love and Freedom, Thomas

  27. To take this topic of discussion to a further level, I was thinking about how media has manipulated sexuality and how anal sex is deemed to be (porn, or for level of prostitution). A woman has less control this way and needs to feel complete trust, love and mutual respect. Why I wonder is this position not used to protect against pregnancy, instead of contraceptive pills or purchase of expensive condoms? I feel we have been manipulated and mislead by the global marketing industry!

  28. Interesting piece on a much needing to be discussed topic. Thanks. All these are shared issues, never belonging to one or the other as we’re in this together right? I have thought for a while about how men are vulnerable in a way woman are protected. Their most sensitive parts hang, dangling outside them, hopefully not warts and all (!!) where as us women, so much of us is buried deep, or more subtle and you have to be ‘admitted’ to feel it, find it. In this way I find men much more vulnerable than women.
    And then there’s the question for me of…are we just consuming here? What are we doing with all this creative sublime energy we are stirring up? So often it can leave us hungry, needy. this most potent play
    . Maybe if we were on the same page on this point maybe the old wounds would be more easily forgotten…..

    • Yes, as soon as we’re “on the same page”, as soon as we’re opening-up our hearts and just show both our own vulnerability and our mutual appreciation, the wounds are healing. No man, no woman is an unforgiving beast and when we touch his and her heart, wounds can heal and love can flow again. Love and Freedom, Thomas

  29. Hello there! I could have sworn I’ve visited this website before but after going through some of the articles I realized it’s new to me. Regardless, I’m definitely delighted I found it and I’ll be bookmarking it and checking back frequently!

  30. Interesting… Octavo Paz wrote about the fundamental roots of Mexcian machoism being based in the fact that a woman had to open up for sex, and that makes her intrinsically week. the macho thing is to stay closed and tough.

    I wonder if the kind of guilt and inhibition that you talk about isn’t simply another symptom of the fact that women are abusing their own greater power by relating to the identity of victim rather than transforming their experiences with a spiritual deepening that takes them back to the goddess within.(not to dimimish the suffering of women in other cultures but to deal with our own time and place in history as we can). The basic gender differences still exist with or without our intellectual consent.

    I think that being desired absolutely is the greatest aphrodisiac of all. So much is communicated energetically between two people, if you are focused on hearing permission you are missing the tango completely.

    For centuries women have been lead to believe that it is their role to please the man. But what is pleasing for a woman… Is it the penetration? Really?

    You don’t need permission to desire someone.. But yes, you can evolve and maintian respect and self-control to allow the object of your desire to enjoy the attention and let the tension build… you need to understand the game and the ever changing boundaries. But there is no shame in naked desire. Desire has nothing to do with penetration. Desire is energetic. You want to build it slowly. She knows this instinctively. As soon as you lower your intention to the physical mechanics of penetration you will disapoint her.

    Ultimately it is woman who hold the key here. She needs to understand that she is in control. it is her body. she is the object of desire… When she knows that she is a goddess, desire – love and passion – are the only energies she will open herself to.

      • i believe the desire itself is the invitation and think that’s what Jamie is referring to. What could be more inviting than the expression of desire on your lover’s face?

    • Oh, yes, my heart opens up even more…
      “The basic gender differences still exist with or without our intellectual consent… I think that being desired absolutely is the greatest aphrodisiac of all. So much is communicated energetically between two people, if you are focused on hearing permission you are missing the tango completely.”

      I personally also feel it that way. Still, a very close and beloved female friend is sometimes absolutely frightened when she feels a man’s sexual desire. So, it really can be both ways. Love and Freedom, Thomas

  31. To “their women”? I understand what you are trying to achieve with this article, but using a language of ownership completely prevents that. Rewording some of this to eliminate that element should help you towards your goal.

  32. As male sexuality has become identified with rape and oppression and women no longer depend on their diminishing economic power, I predict that dildo manufacturers and makers of sex robots will have a prosperous future.

  33. It can be hard for men to meet some women’s desire for them to make unbridled passionate love to her when he has this dark cloud of male sexual aggressiveness over his desire. However asking for permission seems to dampen the mood. It’s a fine line that men walk when the exact same behaviour can rend completely different reactions depending on the woman’s desire for him. Even just in flirting it’s risky for him, at work he could end up fired or married depending on how she receives his advances.

  34. There is also another way of looking at this; which is to speak of the mean as being enveloped by the woman. Penetration and envelopment at the same time. A two-way transaction (or symbiosis).

    • Yes! In love making as in life, let’s not try to be “Either/Or”. The Tantric ‘either – and’ is much more fun!

  35. Excellent thought. In fact men ‘s vulnerability in affection sharing need to sensitised

  36. Thanks for your thoughtful article Jamie. I concur with much of what you say, and would like to offer a further perspective. The best magic carpet ride in sex is virtually always through continually sensing the woman’s pleasurable energy flows, and basically supportively matching them. This gives her the safe space to explore her own frontiers, and expand them. In addition to normally matching, by slightly lagging or accelerating (from her three variables of pressure, frequency, and depth), we can give her more space to lead and then carefully lift that lead into ecstatic climax – time after time. Lagging or accelerating too much looses the charge. Best then to return to (or toward) stillness, and wait for her to establish her next rhythm, and then stay within the envelope of her rising sensual pleasure. This takes us beyond the duality of vulnerabilities, into dynamically flowing energy-union.

  37. This is a great piece. Thank you for writing it! I have read some of the comments and agree with a few people’s feedback. Sure, it’s not that simple for a woman who carries so much of her own baggage as well as that of her entire female lineage… and yet sometimes I think we make it too complicated for ourselves. Frankly, I think a lot of women get stuck in the place between masculine and feminine because we have been so sculpted by the feminist movement, which really ended up masculinizing a lot of women’s understanding of what it means to be strong or powerful in the world. (

    I think several generations of women ended up adopting the masculine as a protection (rightfully so!) and have lost the ability to recognize the vulnerability of men. I was very deeply subscribed to the feminist movement for almost 20 years, I “measured up” in the world according to masculine standards of competition and success, and I dealt with the effects of abuse at the hands of men when I was a child. My grandmother carried these wounds as well, and probably her mother as well. It took me a long time to soften, to receive, to understand the power, potency, and sensitivity of being feminine. But finally, beneath that, I was able to see and feel the tenderness of the male heart. It is my belief that the men who have cause so much pain in the world are men whose hearts have been wounded. We must care for our men and help them to heal their wounds on all levels, just as much as we must tend to our women and help them to heal theirs. We are all wounded. Now let’s choose to step away from the stories that keep us caught and step into vulnerability with one another. Thanks for pushing us, Jamie.

    • So good to feel your open heart. Love and Freedom, Thomas

      “It took me a long time to soften, to receive, to understand the power, potency, and sensitivity of being feminine. But finally, beneath that, I was able to see and feel the tenderness of the male heart… Now let’s choose to step away from the stories that keep us caught and step into vulnerability with one another.”

  38. I was expecting some mention of men being penetrated. Anal sex for men opens the doors to much greater vulnerability and compassion, and helps heal the fear and pain of the dominant patriarchy. Both men and women are harmed by this culture. Men can experience penetration, and it is a good thing. I recommend all you boys make friends with that part of your body and experience surrender and receptivity.

  39. Thank u so much for translating the feeligs I have since puberty in these words! Sam

  40. thank you for sharing!! 🙂 what you’ve written above is awesomesauce plus it’s a Class A panty-dropper… I tip my hat to you, Sir.

  41. Thank you so much Jamie for this article, a mutual journey where each lays vunerable and in a state of absolute trust in the other, responding sensitively to each others energy the ebb and flow, the dance of the Male and female divine
    A willingness to go deeper with each other, a true union………
    gratitiude and grace

  42. This is beautiful, but let’s not forget to touch on something deeper, women are not the only one’s with past trauma! There are many men today who are struggling with wounds from rape, sexual abuse, and childhood abuse that are directly affecting their love life. Beyond that, we are programmed by society, pornography, etc… to be brutish and over powering in relation to love making. Sometimes we’re as sensitive or more so than our partners. Both men and women need to look beyond their physical form and recognize that both parties have past suffering and that we must both be gentle and nurturing in the love making process. Of course let’s not get too stuck on perfecting it, but remembering that both parties have a right to say no if something comes up for them, if it’s good for both let it flow. These can be the most passionate, tender, and pleasurably explosive moments with a lover. However the times when we didn’t stop and things come up, can be some of the most painful, and difficult moments of life. Just like Love, Trauma knows no gender, race, or any other form of discrimination, Love your Self, your true Self, the greater Self, and you’ll be there more fully with another, who is just part of the Self any who! Now you’re just making love to your self. How’s that for a trip!


  43. If it isn’t mutual it isn’t beautiful. Which is way beyond (but inclusive of) the idea of verbal consent but the undeniable affirmation of each and every cell to willfully surrender into each other. Why settle for anything less, as it is the best feeling humans can have in my opinion?

    I think some of the conditioning men experience in this culture makes us feel entitled and that our pleasure is more important than a women’s which may mask some of the vulnerability. But put history aside for the moment and look at our biology – our genitals are on the outside. This is extremely vulnerable in and of itself. No wonder so many men are so guarded. And then our genitals visibly grow when aroused. Again so vulnerable and exposed. Which goes back to my feeling of sexual encounters being the most incredible human experience….. not only the physical pleasure but we are so exposed and vulnerable and yet welcomed in. To lower own’s guard and be accepted for all that we are. So beautiful.

    And unfortunately this is not how it is always played out….. in the dark, with music, with drugs, mixed with our families messages about sex, and popular culture’s and the twisted and abusive cycles inherited from the past. It took me 37 or 38 years to figure out….. that I am beautiful, and sex is beautiful, and finding people who are enthusiastically willing to celebrate together this beauty is the fucking best!!!!!!!!

  44. Gives so much hope for peace in the world to hear men speak the language of the the heart, of their higher self, of who they truly are in essence. Seems like good times are ahead of us!
    I must say that even though this article deal with a sensitive topic, it is wonderfully articulated.

  45. Hi Jamie:
    I thought along very similar lines, but I had to ask myself some questions:

    1) Is my hesitancy to penetrate a woman really connected to a feeling of guilt for the sins of my fathers? (more on this later)
    2) Or is it just convenient not to have to expose myself, but rather wait for clear signals?

    Now, the answer to these question is very multi-dimenssional.
    First, some guilt for male abuse of the female can be felt, good, a lot of shit happened, if you’ll excuse my language here.
    Second, women have learned and mastered the art of playing hard to get, and “you want it, and i don’t so much, so …”, Sometimes to their own frustration and detriment, as I have heard more than a few women express.

    So: YES, clear signals are very very welcome and helpful.
    and: NO: My hesitancy to penetrate leads to and supports a hesitancy in inviting me in. Which came first? Who knows!

    As for the guilt: Yes, men fought a lot of wars, and bulit an industrial-economic system that is compeltely ignorant of deeper needs and connections and threatens all our lives.
    But: why do men crave power? Maybe because some women gave them the idea, that maybe, just maybe, they would be suitably impressed by a powerful man to let him into their sanctum.
    As to the industrial system: Who’s happily populating the isles of Primark and H&M? I know I’m stereotyping now, but women carry their share of responsibility for the current state of affairs..

    And on a spiritual level: I firmly feel, as a man, that men have vaginas in their hearts. Now I know how that sounds, but think about it.
    Why are there so many musicians, poets and philosophers? All that requires a receptive heart. It’s Yin-Yang all over again.
    Women penetrate with theis hearts. That’s what I feel. And sometimes that is very, very welcome. Sometimes it’s not. And here again, it often does not stop where it should.
    How many men have been bruised, mutilated and tortured emotionally by women, sometimes for their power, sometimes through sheer neglect, and sometimes for mere cruel fun.
    How many boys have been sucked dry by their smothering, shame-infested mothers, too timid to look at their own insecurity and feelings of emptiness.

    Now where does that leave us: I’m sorry, you’re sorry, we’re a sorry bunch…
    That’s not what I want! But:
    Let’s acknowledge that we hurt each other, we did in the past, we do now, and we will in the future, and let’s hold space for that pain, so we can express it, feel it, feel the energy and aliveness it brings, and learn the lessons we can learn that way.

  46. That made me look up “vulnerability”, which seems to really mean “wound-able” … It’s written in a language that will pass the soft feminist/goddess radar. In general it kinda is a step in the right direction as it communicates that new wound. Yet the title is misleading (at least outside the west). The V of P is something entirely different and it has more to do with being energetically penetrated as the physical penetration happens ….

    So Happy International Men’s Day! … Hopefully Men will meet their Masculinity one of these days …

  47. Very effective writing. I have been thinking and speaking for several years that for men to express themselves as the best lovers they can be, they must know what it is like to be penetrated themselves. That expansive experience makes us worthy of penetrating a woman.

  48. You put into words feelings I’ve had since I began to stir interest into women sexually. Thanks for painting a picture through words of feelings in which I share with you and hopefully many men to come. Your an inspiration, a light of love. Thank you.

  49. I feel this is a very beautiful and well written piece Jamie, thank you.

    I do dissagree with you on one important aspect. Whilst the law states, as I believe is right, that I need a woman to give explicit permission for the wonder of sexual communion to be initiated, I have found a way, a long perambulatory and lovely way to navigate round this wherein we both resolve our vulnerabilities before we run the risk of triggering them through love making.

    It has become my belief that with the advent of birth control alongside female emancipation and changes to maintenance legislation / practice; unintended consequences have manifested which we can – both genders – take responsibility for and adapt our behaviours to resolve. The unintended consequences of which I speak are primarily the haste to develop physical connection before we have connected on that deeper spiritual level. As the potential consequences of physically connecting have lessened, so we (both men & women) have succumbed to the joy of that connection more quickly and often before either or both partners feel ready. So what do we do about it?

    I have long believed and nurtured my partners to accept, that for me to feel comfortable penetrating I require that our spiritual and emotional bond to be already well established so that if and when we come to the point of sexually connecting our lovemaking becomes the physical manifestation of the love, care, respect and joy we have already established. Our lovemaking is physical and yet it doesn’t solely rely on physical attraction. When I come to the act of penetration, it is because both I and my partner have overcome our lust and replaced it with a so much deeper desire, trust and respect.

    It works for me and I’ve yet to experience making love with a woman for whom it doesn’t also work.

    So when we discover and invent wonderful and innovative solutions to age old issues maybe we should be a little more cautious about throwing away the solutions which have worked for so many years distant. Here, I’m very much thinking of ‘courtship’. A behaviour which has much going for it and which, perhaps, we have dispensed of to our detriment.

  50. Wow, this sharing deeply touches! What sincere beauty you are!!! And more and more kindred souls with you are clearing the pathway of mutual communication, vulnerability, sensitivity and transparency, to co-create a sexual experience that launches us both into God!!!

  51. WoW! Excellent piece! It’s like a 21st century version of “The White Man’s Burden,” by Rudyard Kippling! As a female, I can’t imagine how cumbersome my vulnerability must be for my sex partner. Thank you for sharing!

  52. Many years ago my partner explained to me the vulnerability that a man feels when he shares and gives up control of his most precious part to his partner. I have felt a careful preciousness toward that effort at union, that gift, ever since, but it involved too much care from my end, too much one-way effort, which made me hold back from what I could take and enjoy and employ and therefore enjoin. I finally learned the delicate balance of sharing, back and forth. It is difficult to be a thinking animal instead of a simple spontaneous sexual loving being, isn’t it?

  53. Nicely written….but, really. . . it’s Not about penetration for the female. Very rar
    ely is there enough clitoral stimulation during intercourse.

  54. When I saw the title of the post I hoenslty expected something more heartelt.
    I don’t wanna hear about how ‘vulnerable’ men are because they have the power to abuse me.

  55. I’ve been abused as a youhg girlnand since then I have had trust issues especially when it came to intimacy. I had sex just to please my boyfriend, otherwhise I would feel as I was neglecting him, because I knew he had….needs…butbhe soon noticed my coldness and so I told him the truth. He was horrified and angry at me. (Ecen if i beared sex for HIS sake?. I was puzzled but this artivke has helped me a lot, really,
    And now I kjow why he was so mad at me. I accidentally made him feel like an abuserr and turned what he perceived as a loving act into something as revolting as what I had lived previously. I feel so ashamed for that and i came to understand my enormous mistake thanks to what you’ve written. I thought I was doing the best thing for both :, (

    • Dear Molly, Don’t feel ashamed, please, because you did all that youndid out of love and because you wanted to make him happy! Just feel a bit more enlightened, now that you understand more. Be gentle with yourself, we’re always learning. Love and Freedom, Thomas

  56. This is really touching..I smiled all the way through…all men should be like this with their sexual partners. As women, we all wanna feel that burst of energy and connection.

  57. “It’s in the way of us having incredible, heart-bursting sex with you.”

    “Today, if you are man with any degree of sensitivity, it is a vulnerable thing to penetrate a woman.”

    These are important statements: firstly, if he is connected to his sensitivity, of course he ‘feels’.
    But if he is cut-off from it, then he is “insensitive”; there is no HEART, whatsoever. It’s all mechanical, and ‘selfish’… for want of a better word. But that’s not my point.

    My point, is that energetically, between a man and a woman, the female sex-centre is YIN, and the male sex-centre is YANG.

    This changes, at the HEART, where the female-Love is YANG, and the male-Love is YIN.

    Basically, his Heart feels as vulnerable, naked, and receptive as a vagina…

    If there isn’t mutual ‘penetration’, of the Love-Force, and the Sex-Force, then the two aren’t connected and flowing ~ “snaking”, as I like to call it.

    8 <~ this image

    (the eyes are also included as penetrating and receptive exchange… ∞ )

    Anyway, so once the flow is happening, and LovePower is being GENERATED, YANG enters her… and she becomes erect, and 'active'; activated.
    And YIN flows into him… (male ego is not used to or comfortable with surrender; opening; penetration…)
    HE surrenders, bathes in it.

    That's why, only a man in Love knows surrender; Love Wins. Whatever he thought of himself. He is opened. Forever.

    So… I have a few things you can read, if you like:



    And the blogpost immediately under 2

    • Love wins! That’s possibly all that needs to be said… Thank you, Iris!
      Love and Freedom, Thomas

  58. Jamie, you are a bright light in our world. You are here to raise our consciousness in areas shrouded in fear. Your eloquence, your willingness to lay soul bare for us in the name of service and in teaching – it’s mind blowing. Your piece moved me in powerful ways and brought tears streaming down my cheeks. I love you. The world is blessed by your presence. Thank you.
    Linda Mayer

  59. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you – for your heroic vulnerability in sharing this. Beautiful and essential points made so eloquently ❤

  60. wow man. thanks for this…i’ve tried to translate it in Dutch with my own words and also put your name under it…. your blog dicribes my feeling in many ways…

  61. Dear Paloma, I’d like to read your thesis, too. If possible, you can send it to . Love and Freedom, Thomas

    PS: In August 2018, we’re gonna hold a ‘Tantric Hero’s Journey’ (with horses as heart companions) in Ireland.

  62. Oh yes! Oh no!
    My big ‘YES’, Jamie, is for most of what you’ve written here, more than 4 years ago! That beautiful and raw piece of writing from your heart deeply resonates in me.

    My little ‘no’ refers to the slight doubt when reading “Women, please invite us clearly and unmistakably to make love with you”. Because, sometimes, we humans are not unmistakeable and clear. Sometimes, we give or get that ‘yes’ upfront and in the process, an old trauma shines up, so that ‘making love’ means doing nothing at all but relaxing into that old wound, with or without penetrating her. And, sometimes, we men need to responsibly take the risk and take one careful step further, to ‘knock on the door’. Means, to let the penis and the vulva feel each other being right next to each other, ‘flesh to flesh’. So that a full ‘yes!’ or a clear ‘NO, not further!’ can develop from the woman’s yoni making herself heard to her heart and mind.

    And, again, a full yes and Thank You, Jamie, to what you write at the end: “Your vulnerability is my vulnerability. Let’s melt deeper into it together and heal the past traumas with our love-making.”

    Love and Freedom, Thomas

    PS: Will you be in Germany in 2017/18?

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