It has become common practice in our relationships to blame and complain and dump on our partner when we don’t feel good or our lover does something we don’t like. But the truth is that whoever triggers us into a painful reaction is not responsible for the level of upset we go into. The ‘trigger’ is not the same as the ’cause’.
When something has happened to make us feel bad, instead of putting up with the discomfort of that pain, it is often easier to blame and dump on someone else, usually our partner, and make them feel the bad feeling instead of us. It’s easier to be reactive and offload the painful feeling onto them than sit responsibly with the pain we feel.
This “dumping the pain onto someone else” is the same as pulling them into the path of a bullet that was meant for you. You’re using your partner, your friend, your lover as a human shield from the pain blast.
Especially for men, this is about the unsexiest and least gallant thing to do.
The vulnerable and nourishing action to take is to ask for support of this person so that they can responsibly and out of their own free choice give you the support and love you need. It’s ironic that the one person we want that support and love from is usually the first person we push away with our dumping.
Don’t push away the one you want support from. Dare to ask for what you need today.
What are the ways that blamers and complainers hook you into defending yourself? Which ways of blaming you trigger you automatically into a defense dance, proclaiming your innocence?
How we respond to being dumped-upon is a victim trap. It’s too easy to feel superior and shut down. It’s even easier to jump to your own defense and disempower yourself by debating the accuser point by point.
The intelligent thing to do is use the encounter to really get a feeling-map on what accusations, criticisms and complaints habitually suck you into forgetting yourself? Which ones sting and still trigger a reactive charge in your body?
Practice complaining and blaming with your friends or partners. If you know them well, give them full permission to really try and find those spots that somehow still ‘get’ you, and do them the service of really doing the same for them.
Laugh together when you hit a sore one. This is a profound Intimacy to enter the cave of triggers together and clean some house while the dragon sleeps.
Please comment below what the quickest thing to make you dump?
Intimacy weekend workshops at http://www.jamiecatto.com/about_intimacy