Waking up on this gloomy Sunday morning in London I feel back to when I was so heartbroken last year, how brutal Sundays could be. If you’re going through a tough separation, I want to share with you a couple of things you already know such as: don’t forget that this is but a painful TRANSITION, not a painful entry into a painful new life. Last year I was having an agonising time ‘being left’ by my ex-wife and battling with abandonment, jealousy, lostness, loneliness. While I was still trying to keep my old reality intact and not surrendering to what was really unfolding, I did a lot of emotional violence to myself in resisting and not trusting. What I didn’t know then was how brilliantly abundantly treated I was soon going to be, and how as soon as I placed my focus on the next chapter, not the last one with all its alluring hooks and safe, known comforts, I would be met with limitless support and exciting, nourishing new gifts. I’m not suggesting that you deny or suppress your pain or force yourself to ‘move on’ too quickly, but I do want to remind us both that once your deeper focus and vision is directed to the next chapter, your innate genius adapts and creates and attracts wonderful new circumstances, people and surprises which reflect a higher vision of You – and that that creative genius takes it’s lead from where you direct your attention. This is where you can be powerful.
A therapist once reminded me to edit the negative tape I was playing back in my head. Relationships ending provide a great opportunity to raise our awareness on the ‘version of events’ we are playing back in our heads. I don’t know in how much resistance you are right now, or how you are faring as regards clinging, turning scenarios over and over in your mind, looking back not forward, injustice and loneliness – but I want to remind you, just in case, that there is a slither of choice here to look through a more optimistic lens, a lens which trusts that ‘even though I have very limited vision here and it looks dark, perhaps the ‘All That Is’ has a wonderful array of scenery and characters and positive unfoldings, uplifting and healing revelations in store for me. After all, I’ve been well supported in my life so far, the evidence and past experience suggests that a positive outcome is more likely than ruin.’
When I was at my most disempowered and terrified state during my divorce I had a formative experience on a London Underground train. I was sitting there listening to music on my headphones and my iPod was on ‘shuffle’. A piece of really sad film music was playing, and as I sat there listening, my own apparently despondent predicament engulfed me. I looked around the carriage and everyone seemed so isolated and lonely. I sank even deeper, feeling all the tragedy of my situation, how much of a victim I felt in it and as I allowed that perspective free reign in my mind, that convincing, depressing reality became more and more ‘true’ for me. It was painful. Then the next track came on and it was something really triumphant and rocking by The Clash. Immediately my chest swelled a little and my posture became fractionally more erect. The tube doors opened and I strode down the platform, strong and upright. The music pumped along jubilantly in my ears and I walked all the taller. ‘Look at this hero’ I thought as I strode down the train platform, ‘surviving and thriving amidst all these challenges, I’m unstoppable! Come on then!’ I felt, ‘Gimme what you got! I’ll take you all on!’ It was only the soundtrack in my ears that had changed but it really showed me how malleable ‘the truth of what’s gong on’ can be. It dawned on me that there’s a degree of choice here.
The tape in our head is the soundtrack. Our beliefs and attitudes to what’s gong on. The ‘version’ of events on which we choose to place our attention is the ‘truth’ we energise. We will empower what we focus on, positive or negative. So, as Gabrielle Roth says, it takes immense discipline to be a free spirit. To choose the positive ‘open to miracles and trust’ lens over the usual attractive ‘doom and gloom’ one. It takes discipline. But there is a slither of choice, much aided by kicking music.
And the reward and even the proof of the pudding is, a year or two down the line, I now know that what happened when my wife and I split up was a wonderful, much needed life-change for me. I resisted it with all my might when I couldn’t see the future, but I am now with a heavenly, intelligent, funny, soulful girlfriend who really gets the Me ‘now’. Our sex life is glorious and fresh and deeply intimate. Our soul life is so much more ‘equal’ and mutually supportive than any relationship I’ve had before. In numerous other ways I am growing into my real wholeness, my less limited shapes, my fullest potential. I have experienced my courage, endurance and self-compassion and awakened a deeper sense of personal responsibility and self-parenting. The list of gifts is long.
I don’t want to in any way suggest you rush the grieving, but whenever you have a fraction more energy, allow the next ideal chapter vision to creep in. Allowing some gentle movement in this let’s your innate genius begin to lay the foundations for your next incredibly fulfilling chapter. I believe your higher mind and even the Universe itself is conspiring to set up the perfect, abundant circumstances for your pleasure and growth. When we cling to the out-of-control past we drag that process back. When we surrender and bravely trust the big picture, we free up all the forces of bountiful and progressive architecture to manifest themselves.
Beyond all that, I am sending love and trust and an extra bank of pumping electric guitars to spur you onward.
You are a Warrior. Allow your posture to reflect this and the mind will follow.
‘Redefining ‘Roadblock’ – an arrow pointing in an unexpected direction I didn’t realise I needed to go in.’ Bashar