The Vulnerability of Penetration

It stands to reason that in love-making, on the surface at least, it is the woman, ‘the penetrated one’, who holds the vulnerability. After all, having a man push himself into your most sacred and sensitive opening is about the most surrendered and yielding experience one can imagine. So it’s understandable that while women are in the ‘receiving’ role sexually, and are also usually less physically strong than their male partners, the vulnerability is held by the women. I’d like to connect with you deeper in this vulnerability and share something I haven’t spoken about before.

It is extremely vulnerable for us men to be the ‘penetrator’ too. As much as we work on raising our sensitivities and empathy to women, unless we enjoy our own anal penetration, we don’t know what it’s like to be ‘pushed into’. Today, the social climate around men’s sexuality includes a lot of past trauma from abusive and violent sex or just insensitive or immature men of previous generations who had no clue what they were doing to their women. Today’s women bear the scars of past, male-dominated, unfeeling sexual experiences and it has only been very recently that the law and society’s moral compass has even acknowledged a woman’s right so say “No” even in the middle of sex and even if she’s married to the man she’s having sex with. Unbelievably, still, in most countries there is no law against a man raping his wife. She has no legal right to refuse him and no legal protection if he rapes her. Even in USA and UK the law has only been passed to protect married women in the last 50 years or so, and across Asia and Africa they think I’m crazy to even bring the subject up.

So the idea that men could be the vulnerable ones in love-making may sound puzzling at first. But I want to express that as a man, carrying the burden of women’s often negative expectations and the ever-felt sexual wounds of all mistreated women of the past, creates a very unique and sensitive vulnerability of it’s own – for the men. Perhaps it could be likened to German grandchildren of the Nazis who themselves played no part in the abuses of WW2 but in the post war decades couldn’t help being tarred by the same brush and unjustly carrying some of the guilt and rejection.

Men carry the shame of our abusive, sexually incontinent forefathers and we don’t want to bring that trauma into the bedroom any more. It’s in the way of us having incredible, heart-bursting sex with you.

Today, if you are man with any degree of sensitivity, it is a vulnerable thing to penetrate a woman. I don’t want to abuse you, trigger you into past trauma or in any way mistranslate your wants or needs. I would hate to accidentally touch you in a way that jarred you or misread your passion. So, if you notice my hesitancy or any held-back-ness, please do not translate this as any lack of desire on my part. I may be waiting for a clearer invitation.

Women, please invite us clearly and unmistakably to make love with you. Only when we are certain that your invitation is wholehearted and clear can we melt into devotional service to your pleasure. We need to be total, unbridled by doubt, to allow the strength of our male physicality to take you. We want to explode you into light and usher you to the door where you can dissolve into pure sex with the Big Spirit – in the field that is beyond us both, but until we are certain that Your invitation is total, we can’t surrender to giving you our gifts fully.

Your vulnerability is my vulnerability. Let’s melt deeper into it together and heal the past traumas with our love-making.

All Intimacy and Creativity Workshops at www.jamiecatto.com

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Cheeky Dissolving

Whenever I have to stop and wait somewhere, sitting in the car waiting for someone, or in waiting rooms, even long traffic lights, I’ve been recently taking the opportunity to really stop. Like the day has set out for me this series of enforced mini meditations. I’ve never been one for ritualised meditation. I love folks who have a shrine and incense and lovely things and sit at their special place. Maybe it’s because I’m so much on the move (being such an international diamond smuggling outlaw of creative juiciness) – it’s NOT because I’m lazy or immature or any other unevolved things <ahem>

…so I welcome each of these opportunities to stop as a rest from anything external that needs my attention and scan myself, say hi to myself, (optional hand on my chest), smile through my body and into any tensions or blocks, as if they’re patches of ice that need to be dissolved.

The genius Taoists constantly give their full presence to scanning their whole body, locating any blocked or hard-to-describe discomforts, whereupon they say ‘Ice to Water, Water to Steam’ and literally use their imagination to SEE that place dissolve and the steam leave their body.

I reckon if we practice this as a cultivated habit all day, whenever we stop, get in a bit of cheeky dissolving – smile some mischief into any tensions – watch them turn to steam and blow away, it would (will) be a massive illness preventer. Let’s make this a habit from Now and share it with others.

As we get more into this habit it’s also really enriching to do some of these practices with friends and lovers. The places this practice goes to are truly magical and sensual as far as widening the spectrum of your rich human experience goes…more on that as we go….but for now, notice when you dissolve these sensations in the body how many external problems and challenges in your life melt of their own accord as if by magic.

Please let me know, write below, when a drama in your life vanishes seemingly by itself!

This is PRACTICAL MAGIC

All creative and intimacy workshops at www.jamiecatto.com

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When you are next Pleasuring yourself…

When you are next Pleasuring yourself, and you feel those first ripples of warmth and arousal begin to rise between your legs, try allowing those waves to slowly expand and spread beyond your usual pleasure zones. Feel the warm energy of pleasure radiate out from between your legs and spread through your belly, and consciously inhale all that rich turned-on-ness deep into your body. Let it fill you entirely with each deepening breath. The arousal can build rapidly and deeply. Direct the pleasure with your breath and really allow the tilt of your hips to pull the horniness through your whole body. Feel how powerfully healing and energising this pleasure force can be, filling you.

As you are touching yourself, with every rising wave of desire, breathe that wave further through your whole body, inhaling it deep to your core. Let it reach to the ends of your fingertips and toes. Your whole body and mind becomes one pleasure centre. Staying with the breath, as the arousal builds, allow yourself to open even more to the waves, consciously surrendering, as that exquisite turned-on-ness saturates you.

Now feel the crown of your head mirror the deep seated pleasure below and open your whole body for an even stronger current to move through you. Let each growing wave energise and heal and light up every cell of your body in health and power. Feel every pore drink in the pleasure and fill you with limitless creativity.

If you want to take it even further you can beam the pleasure out of you from all directions to connect to anyone or anywhere at all. Send the super-powered force of it to dissolve any limitations, disease or suffering anywhere on the planet. As you send it, actually see the energy do it’s transformational work with your mind, watch the place you send it to transform and heal in your imagination.

We have the power to do this Now. Pleasure is transformative and is available to be directed to creative, healing and passionate uses at any time.

Tune in and transform your World with your pleasure…

…and do please share your experiences below.

All Intimacy and Creative workshops and Talks at www.jamiecatto.com

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When splitting up is SO painful – a letter to a friend

Dear old Friend,

waking up at my sister’s in Golders Green, thinking of you especially on Sundays which can be brutal. I want to share with you a couple of things you already know such as – don’t forget that this is but a painful TRANSITION, not a painful entry into a painful new life. When you were working on me last year I was having an agonising time ‘being left’ by my ex-wife and battling with abandonment, jealousy, lostness, loneliness. While I was still trying to keep my old reality intact and not surrendering to what was really going on I did a lot of emotional violence to myself. What I didn’t know then was how brilliantly abundantly treated I was gong to be, how as soon as I placed my focus on the next chapter, not the last one with all its alluring hooks and safe, known comforts, I was met with limitless support and exciting, nourishing new gifts. I’m not suggesting that you deny any pain or force yourself to ‘move on’ too quickly, but I do want to remind us both that once your deeper choice and vision is directed to the next chapter, your innate genius adapts and creates and attracts wonderful new circumstances, people and surprises – and that creative genius takes it’s lead from where you direct your attention.

You once reminded me to edit the tape in my head. This is a great time to raise one’s awareness on the ‘version of events’ we are playing back in our heads. I don’t know in how much resistance you are right now, or how you are faring as regards clinging, turning scenarios over and over in your mind, looking back not forward, injustice and loneliness – but I want to remind you, just in case, that there is a slither of choice here to look through a more optimistic lens, a lens which trusts that even though I have very limited vision here and it looks dark, perhaps the All That Is has a wonderful array of scenery and characters and positive unfoldings, uplifting and healing revelations in store for me.

When I was at my most disempowered and terrified state during my divorce, I had a formative experience on the London Underground train. I was sitting there listening to my music on headphones and my ipod was on shuffle. A piece of really sad film music was playing, and as I sat there listening, my own despondent predicament engulfed me. I looked around the carriage and everyone looked so isolated and lonely. I sank deeper, feeling all the tragedy of my situation, how much of a victim I felt in it and that depressing reality became more and more true. It was painful. Then the next track came on and it was something really triumphant and rocking by The Clash. Immediately my chest swelled a little and my posture became fractionally more erect. The tube doors opened and I strode down the platform, strong and upright. The music pumped along jubilantly in my ears and I walked all the taller. ‘Look at this hero’ I thought as I strode down the train platform, ‘surviving and thriving amidst all these challenges, unstoppable. Come on then!’ I felt, ‘Gimme what you got!’ It was only the soundtrack in my ears that had changed but it really showed me how malleable ‘the truth of what’s gong on’ can be.

The tape in our head is the soundtrack. Our beliefs and attitudes to what’s gong on. The ‘version’ of events on which we choose to place our attention is the truth we energise. We will empower what we focus on, positive or negative. So, as Gabrielle Roth says, it takes immense discipline to be a free spirit. To choose the positive, ‘open to miracles and trust’ lens over the usual attractive ‘doom and gloom’ one. It takes discipline. But there is a slither of choice, much aided by kicking music.

And the reward is, a year or two down the line, I now know that what happened when Jessica and I split up was a wonderful life-change for me. I resisted it with all my might when I couldn’t see the future, but I am now with a heavenly, intelligent, funny, soulful girlfriend who really gets the Me ‘now’. Our sex life is glorious and fresh and deeply intimate. Our soul life is so much more ‘equal’ that any relationship I’ve had before. In numerous other ways I am growing into my real wholeness, my less limited shapes, my fullest potential. I have experienced my courage, endurance and self-compassion and awakened a deeper sense of personal responsibility and self-parenting. The list of gifts is long.

I don’t want to in any way suggest you rush the grieving, but whenever you have a fraction more energy, allow the next chapter vision to creep in. It’s like the motion is the lotion exercises you taught me. Allowing some gentle movement in this let’s your innate genius begin to lay the foundations for your next incredibly fulfilling chapter. I believe your higher mind and even the Universe itself is conspiring to set up the perfect, fulfilling, abundant circumstances for your pleasure and growth.

Beyond all that, I am sending love and trust and an extra bank of pumping electric guitars to spur you onward.

You are a Warrior. Allow your posture to reflect this and the mind will follow.

huge hug

Jamie

All workshops at www.jamiecatto.com

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Intimacy of Excitement

We hold back our full excitement sometimes in case we look too keen or uncool. There’s something so beautiful about childlike excitement but it can feel risky. We expose ourselves in our youngness and if we are not met there we can suddenly feel foolish and alienated. So often we limit our expression of joy to appear ‘appropriate’ and ‘measured’.

I get much more excited by, and more intimate with, someone who is total in their passion and excitement than someone who plays it down to play it safe.

Your excitement is magnetic. Your excitement is attractive and juicy. When I see you consumed by your passion I am drawn to you and I want to be infected by your enthusiasm and spirit.

Show me your bigness and see how I myself am encouraged to open more and be seen in my own passions.

What is one specific aspect or area in your life you could be bigger in, something you could dare to be more seen in? Please share with us below.

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4 Levels of Intimacy (at least)

Why so much about Intimacy and what do we get up to on these weekends?

For me, Intimacy comes in 4 levels, or at least there’s 4 things that especially inspire me right now.

1) Intimacy with my Lover: this has so much to do with dissolving old unconscious behaviours and strategies which fog intimacy. Ways I manipulate and control, even in subtle ways, to stay safe and in my ‘perceived’ comfort zone. A huge amount of mutual appreciation and effortless Intimacy lies behind these busy blocks. Intimacy arises effortlessly, naturally when we’re all in the lightened-up, no nonsense space together and we realise that the thing in the way is only a mirage and once arrived at, has no substance.

2) Intimacy with everyone in my life: which means not turning up to work every day having to pretend I’m not crazy for everyone. I am crazy, you are, we all are, and I believe that the amount of energy we waste keeping up a mask, a role for everyone, a smaller than me version of myself, a crippled brochure of ‘just my appropriate parts’, is incredibly limiting as a lover, parent, artist, human. We’re all addicted to approval from birth. So all my violent self-editing due to my approval addiction is really a manipulation to make you behave in a way I want, approving and accepting me, rather than risk how you might behave if I showed you my big, unapologetic, whole self. I want to loosen that stuff up. I am turned off by your appropriateness. In fact I find it provocative. It makes me want to go to the edge of it with you and see what’s really there.

3) Intimacy with myself: I have rushed into so many decisions and actions without really checking in with myself in the moment ‘what I actually want’. Things I take for granted, things I make myself do, things I deny myself due to limiting beliefs. I want the space to really listen to me. No one else will meet my needs no matter what they promise. No one will know my needs if I don’t ask myself what I need and then communicate it to others. I need to give myself more space and not force myself through experiences that I don’t really want just because it’s expected or ‘what I’ve always done’.

4) This really excites me – Intimacy with all the unexpected circumstances of my life – when something unexpected or not ‘what I ordered’ happens in my life, my old reaction would be to immediately control it, and ‘guide’ it back to how I originally wanted it. But now I want to leave more space. I choose to listen more to how these circumstances that I usually resist might actually be a gift, a benevolent beckoning from my soul to invite me back to a more honest, whole, version of myself. The characters that turn up to challenge me feel like they’ve been sent over by Central Casting to be just that kind of person who would make me react in that way and see what an over-reactive diva I can be! I believe the whole of external reality is set up to invite me back to presence. This is how I begin to trust what’s going on and above all participate with what crosses my path.

all Creative and Intimacy weekends at www.jamiecatto.com – turn right at the crossroads

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Suffering for Love

Sometimes in a household where a couple have much to accomplish; kids, jobs, money, the runnings of a home, it can be exhausting for them both, and there are inevitably some jobs that come up along the way that at the end of a tiring day, neither person wants to do.  The biggest trap the couple can fall into is to start competing for ‘who’s done more recently,’ or ‘who’s most exhausted,’

If you and your partner begin competing in this way to justify being able to rest, then you are empowering and magnetising a reality where you believe you both must suffer to earn your rest. You start creating a reality where suffering becomes a currency – you start creating a belief that you both must to suffer for your love.

This inevitably creates an ugly, manipulative relationship where both people are inflating their sense of being a victim to get their needs met and competing for the ‘Martyr Crown.’ This will kill the attraction in the relationship stone dead.

To vulnerably ask for the support I need without fighting for it with the expectation of refusal or injustice, is Intimacy.

Try this:

Practice saying ‘No’ without following it with an excuse.
There’s nothing sexier than someone who’s in touch with their ‘No’.
We’re so used to fending off demands that we can forget our innate right to just say ‘No’ to something we don’t want to do.
To make excuses while you say ‘No’ is a manipulative placating device to control the other person’s response to your refusal. It’s also a statement that you yourself doubt your own right to refuse and need to back it up with justifications.
Justifications make you sound like you yourself lack the belief in your own justice.
For a day (and for the rest of your life) take a long moment to check-in with yourself thoroughly before you agree to anything.
Without an Intimate relationship with your own preferences and needs you will automatically roam and wander into situations and realities that don’t serve or excite you.
Practice saying ‘No’ with full, centered presence whenever it is your truth. And don’t protect everyone so much from their responses to your truth. We are creating a honest, visible world and their messy responses are far more nourishing and authentic than this insipidly fake ‘politeness’ and ‘appropriateness’.

Please write what happens below and how you feel right now about being THAT honest.

Both Creative and Intimacy weekend workshops at http://www.jamiecatto.com/

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Be Generous By Receiving

Some people feel weird about being given to. The moment someone volunteers ”I’ll pay for this one” they say ”oh, no no…” and go into immediate resistance. In this situation I always say to the refuser: “safe to receive…safe to receive…”.

It’s understandable that those of us who have been given love so transactionally in our lives are cautious to receive it when it’s offered because we have learned since childhood that the pay-back police are never far behind. But this auto response hugely limits Intimacy.

If you always say “no” when I try to give you something then you’re never giving me the chance to feel generous and have the experience of giving to you. I want to have my gifts received. We all do. So be generous in your receiving, and generously allow others to feel generous in giving to you.

Intimacy is in receiving more and more of the other. Their gifts, their wounds, their truths, and generously allowing others to feel so received.

Please share with us below something you are now going to explore being open to receiving from someone close to you. I dare you to receive!

Both Creative and Intimacy weekend workshops at http://www.jamiecatto.com/

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Intimacy Waits Patiently

When your lover or partner is complaining to you, you have two choices: you can do the usual defending dance, trying to show them why what they’re saying is not true, why they’re being unfair or wrong and proclaim your innocence. This is a big mistake. The moment you begin defending your position, you have surrendered your balls (or ovaries), your personal power, to them. You have joined their dance of negativity and sunk to their level of competing and defending.

A much more positive and powerful thing to do is ‘not defend’. Just wait. Hold the space. Look at the person in the eyes and, while allowing them to be a complaining child, uphold your image of them as a responsible, powerful, wise being.

If you don’t automatically join the defence dance, which can take some practice, then their complaint demons have nothing to fight against and with nothing feeding the conflict, the process can naturally transform into the expression of their real feelings.

It might drive this person mad at first that you refuse to join them down there in the darkness, but before long they will return to their own presence and to you for support with the real feelings that are arising, not the complaint that’s trying to avoid those feelings.

Intimacy waits patiently for presence.

With a friend or lover, throughout the day, try and trick each other into defending. Try things like ‘why did you leave that in such a mess?’ and any criticism or accusation that begins ‘you always…’ or ‘you never….’
See if you can throw each other into auto-defense, denying or proclaiming innocence, for a full day. Bringing awareness to this knee-jerk self-defense blurting is advanced ninja stuff. To stalk your auto-reactions and bust them when they trick you into smallness is like tying a bell to the ankle of an insidious demon. You begin to hear it coming early.
Please write below the knee jerk auto-react you are most easily suckered by – for me today SLQWNESS! Ugh I wanted to explode….you?

Both Creative and Intimacy weekend workshops at http://www.jamiecatto.com/

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Like Me!

Whenever you hear yourself say anything about anyone, good or bad, practice the habit of saying “like me!” afterwards. So, “he’s such a great guy, but not always completely honest………like me” or “she’s so talented but a bit of an attention-seeker………like me”.  It’s so liberating!

We can create a lot of false separation and alienation when we describe or pass judgments on others. We separate ourselves from them in our definitions. The truer and more Intimate way to live is to shout ‘like me!’ each time you judge something in another. We all have the potential to act in the darkest and lightest of ways and the only reason we judge is because we want to distance those ‘unacceptable’ qualities from ourselves.

This denial causes illness and separation, but joyously announcing one’s fallibility at every opportunity dissolves this false separation and creates oxygen for everyone to be their perfectly flawed selves without feeling the need to live in hiding.

Once the separation is dissolved, Intimacy naturally arises…

For one full day, keep track of each and every judgment you placed in someone else (by writing it down) and every time add the “… like me!” phrase at the end. Then next day share with us 2 such judgments and their melted separation from your list.

All Jamie Catto weekend workshops at http://www.jamiecatto.com

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